先日20人前後が集ったある会合に参加した。その中で一つのテーマについてそれぞれが自由に意見を出し合う場が設けられた。私も自分の思ったことを発言しようと言い出すタイミングを計っていた。なかなか切り出すタイミングを見つけられずモゾモゾしていた時に、別の人が私が言おうとしていた内容と同じ意見を発表してしまった。その瞬間、私は少し異常なほど強い悔しさを覚えた。
　私なりに真剣にその会合に参加し、そのテーマについても集中して一生懸命に考えていたわけだが、どうも真剣であったが故にチャンスを奪われた悔しさが大きかったようだ。自分でも驚くほど強い感情で、我ながら「何故そこまで……」と考え込んでしまった。「恨み」や「妬み」も入り交じった醜いものだったと思う。虫の居所が悪かっただけなら笑ってやり過ごせるが、そんな感じでもない。「私はどんだけプライドが高い人間なのだろう？どんだけ目立ちたがり屋なのだろう？？」と自虐的に自分にツッコミを入れていた。極めて悪い意味で、“新しい自分”を発見した気分だった。そしてこれも私の真実かと思うと、少し悲しかった。

　冷静に考えれば大した出来事でないことは明白だ。何故そんな小さなことに恨み妬みを覚えたのだろう。普段は意識していない私が確実にそこにいた。実はこれが3、4回ほどあった。最初が一番強烈で、顔が真っ赤になるくらい血が逆流したようだった。回数が重なるに従い落ち着いてはきたが、でもまだまだ動悸が激しくなるのが分かった。
　私は支配欲が強いのだろうか。他の人たちを私の意見に同調させたい、従わせたいという欲求が極端に強いタイプなのかもしれない。自分では全くそんなつもりはないのだが、冷静になって分析してみれば、私のそういう人間性が浮かび上がってくる。この歳になってもまだまだ知らない自分の存在に気づかされるという事実。本当にどこまで行っても、自分探しの旅に終わりはないのかもしれない。

　そんな人を妬むような自分を見たくないし、認めたくない。私はそんな人間ではないと信じたい。しかしこうして現実に直面してしまえば、もう逃げようがない。そもそもそんな会合に参加しなければ、辛い思いをすることはなかった。自由参加の会だったので、嫌なら区切りの良いところで退出することもできた。けれども私は退出しなかった。キツいくせに、途中からもっと“新しい自分”を発見したくなっている私がいた。誰も私の中でそんな激しい心の葛藤が起きていたことなんて分かりっこなかったけれど。

　これまでの人生で、「しっかり自分の意見を他者のそれと戦わせるという経験が足りなかったかなぁ」と思う。戦い方を知らないというか。それにうまく行かなかったときの対処方法も甚だ未熟だ。この歳で経験が足りないって、いったい今まで何やってたんだろう。ちょっとでも失敗したら、あたかも取り返しがつかなくなってしまうかのようにビビっている。争わないで済むように、良い人と見られるように、私はずう～っと演技していたのかな～？ 　

　うまく発言できた時もありましたよ～

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To disagree with each other

　I recently attended a meeting where about 20 people gathered. During the meeting, there was an opportunity for everyone to freely exchange their opinions on a single topic. While I was fumbling to find the right moment to speak up, another person expressed the same opinion that I was about to speak up. At that moment, I felt a bit of unusually strong frustration.
　I had participated in the meeting earnestly and had been thinking about the topic with great concentration, but I felt a great deal of frustration at having lost the opportunity because I had been so serious. The feelings were so strong that even I was surprised, and I found myself thinking to myself, “Why did I go to such lengths ……? I think it was an ugly mixture of “resentment” and “envy. I could have laughed it off if it was just a bad feeling, but it wasn’t like that. How proud am I? How much of a showoff am I?” He was self-deprecating and tut-tutting to himself. In a very bad way, I felt like I had discovered a “new me. And I was a little sad to think that this was also my truth.

　If you think about it calmly, it is obvious that it was no big deal. Why did I feel resentment and envy over such a small thing? I was surely there, a person I am not usually aware of. In fact, this happened three or four times. The first was the most intense, my face was so red that my blood seemed to flow back. It calmed down as the times went on, but I could still feel the palpitations getting more intense.
　Am I a control freak? Maybe I am the type of person who has an extremely strong desire to make others agree with and follow my opinion. I don’t intend to be like that at all, but when I calmly analyze my situation, such human nature of mine comes to the surface. The fact is that even at my age, I am made aware of my existence, which I still do not know. No matter how far I go, there may be no end to my journey of self-discovery.

　I don’t want to see or admit that I am the kind of person who envies such people. I want to believe that I am not such a person. But once I am confronted with reality, there is no way out. If I had not attended such a meeting in the first place, I would not have had to go through such a painful experience. Since it was a free participation meeting, I could have left at the end of the meeting if I didn’t want to. But I did not. I was feeling the pain, but I wanted to discover more of my “new self” in the process. No one could have known that I was going through such an intense inner conflict.

　In my life so far, I think that I have not had enough experience in making my opinions stand up against those of others. I don’t know how to fight. And I am also very inexperienced in how to deal with things when things don’t go well. At my age, I don’t have enough experience, so what on earth have I been doing? If I make even the slightest mistake, I’m scared as if I’ll never be able to recover. Was I acting all this time to be seen as a good person so that I wouldn’t have to fight?

　There were times when I could have successfully spoken up!