やりたい事とやるべき事の差って何だろう。よく言われる「本音と建て前」の差ということだろうか。いや、その考え方には私は違和感がある。やるべき事がだんだんやりたい事になっていく現象があるように感じる。或いはやるべき事をやっていると、「これがオレのやりたいことだったのか！」と気づかされるパターンもある。私は今、自分の中で「やりたい事」と「やるべき事」の境が曖昧になってきている感じがする。

　では、私のやりたい事って何だろう、と考えてみる。一番やりたい事。それは歳を重ね、様々な経験をするにつれ、幼いころからずっと変化してきたように思う。そしてやるべき事はやりたい事のいつもすぐそばにいた。
　例えば私は小さなころから野球をするのが好きで、野球がやりたい事だった。でも野球をするためには野球だけをやっていればいいわけではない。休日なのに朝早く起き、礼儀正しく大きな声で挨拶をし、グローブ等の道具の手入れを怠らず、またチームワークを考慮しなければならない等々、純粋に打ったり投げたりする以外の“やるべき事”がいつもついて回ってきた。でもそれは野球をやるためには大切な事で、野球というやりたい事の一部になっていく。私の「野球」が社会性を帯びてくるとでも言い換えられるだろうか。
　例えば映画監督になることが私のやりたい事だった時代があった。そのために私はカナダへ渡り、少しでも本場の経験を積もうと撮影現場でただ働きし、英語も一生懸命勉強した。必ずしも映画を作ることに直結したことばかりではなかったが、一つ一つ難関を乗り越えていかなければ辿り着けるような目標ではなかった。やるべき事は多く、それらがやりたい事の一部にいつの間にかなっていった。

　自分のものの見方や感じ方、考え方を他人に伝えたい。それを実現するための一つの手段が映画監督になることだったように思う。その方法がほぼ閉ざされてしまった今、私はこうしてブログを書く。
　伝えたいことがやりたい事。そのためには感受性を高めて日々過ごさないとテーマが見つけられないし、読書も非常に重要。また相当に集中しなければ実際に書くことができず、自分の心と向き合わないと内容が発展していかない。技術的なスキルだって必要だ。どれも「伝える」ということには直結してはいないが、しかし私のブログを続けるためには必要不可欠な要素だ。これらはもうすでに私のやりたい事の一部に変化したように思う。

　何か一つだけ好きなことをやっていれば良い、ということはないのだと思う。やりたい事をやり抜くには、避けて通れないやるべき事がいつもついてくる。そういうことが体感として分かってくるのが、良くも悪くも「大人になる」ということなのかもしれない。
　好きな事しか続かない。私はそういういい加減な人間だ。でもやりたい事をやろうとして頑張っていたら、副産物的に培われた精神とスキルは私の財産であり、これからきっと起きるだろう何かのために役立つような気がしてならない。

　いつまでも子どもでは、いられない

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What you want to do vs. What you should do

　What is the difference between what we want to do and what we should do? Is it the difference between “true intentions and false pretenses,” as is often said? No, I feel uncomfortable with this idea. I feel that there is a phenomenon in which what we should do gradually becomes what we want to do. Or, there is a pattern in which, when you are doing what you should be doing, you realize, “This is what I want to do! I am now thinking, I feel that the boundary between “what I want to do” and “what I should do” is becoming blurred in my mind.

　Then, I think about what I want to do. The thing I want to do most. It seems to me that this has been changing ever since I was a child, as I have grown older and experienced more and more things. And the things I should do have always been right next to the things I wanted to do.
　For example, I have loved playing baseball since I was a little boy, and baseball was what I wanted to do. But to play baseball, you don’t just have to play baseball. I had to wake up early in the morning even though it was my day off, greet people politely and loudly, take care of my glove and other equipment, consider teamwork, etc. There were always other “things to do” besides just hitting and throwing. But these things are important for playing baseball, and they become a part of what I want to do. I guess you could say that my “baseball” is becoming more socially conscious.
　For example, there was a time when becoming a film director was what I wanted to do. For that reason, I went to Canada and worked on set and studied English hard to gain as much authentic experience as possible. It was not always directly related to making movies, but it was not a goal that I could reach unless I overcame the obstacles one by one. There were many things I needed to do, and before I knew it, they had become part of what I wanted to do.

　I want to share my way of seeing, feeling, and thinking about things with others. I think one way to achieve this was to become a film director. Now that that way is almost closed, I write this blog.
　What I want to convey is what I want to do. To do this, I have to spend my days with a heightened sensitivity to find themes, and reading is extremely important. I also have to concentrate a lot to actually write, and I have to face my mind to develop the content. Technical skills are also necessary. None of these are directly related to “communicating,” but they are essential for me to continue my blog. I think these have already morphed into some of the things I want to do.

　I don’t think it is ever enough to do just one thing that you love. In order to accomplish what you want to do, there are always things that you have to do that you can’t avoid. I think that becoming aware of such things, for better or worse, is what it means to “grow up.
　I can only continue doing what I like. I am a lazy person like that. But if I work hard to do what I want to do, the spirit and skills I have developed as a byproduct are my assets, and I can’t help but feel that they will be useful for something that will surely happen in the future.

　You can’t be a child forever.