私にやりたい事があって、でもそれが組織の中の一員としてやっている事だとしたら、私の好き勝手にできるようなことはほとんど無いに等しい。好き勝手とは言っても人の道を外すようなことはなく、むしろ思いやりや気合いを注ぎ込み過ぎて、組織のやり方から逸れていってしまう。やりたいようにできない歯がゆさを感じつつ、一員である以上、しっかりそこは守っていかなければいけない境界線だと思う。
　そういう意味で個々が己を殺し、全体の目標を達成していこうとする方向性を持った団体は多い。むしろ世の中にはそういった組織ばかりのようにも感じる。

　それが嫌なら飛び出すしかない。結局はそこに尽きる。自分のやりたいようにできる自由はないけれど、辞める自由は誰にでもある場合が多い。ただ、一つの事に従事していると、ストレスを感じる出来事ばかりではなく、やり甲斐を感じたり勉強になったり、そこには自分が成長できるチャンスが転がっていることもまた確かだ。それに単純に何かを「継続する」ことはとても価値がある事だとも思う。
　100％満足できる場所はない。志を共にする人々であったとしても、大勢が集まれば、規律や指針のようなものがなくては統率が取れない場合が多い。全体の目標だって必要だろう。そうした中で、やりたい事ができないストレスとやり甲斐を感じられる喜びとを、天秤にかけるのだと思う。少なくとも私はそうやってメリットとデメリットを比べて、結果的に飛び出す判断を繰り返し行ってきた。そういう人生であった。

　それが悪かった人生だとは正直思っていない。その時々で精一杯の決断だったように覚えている。しかし結果だけを見れば、私は人と人の間で生きる事を放棄し続けてきたのだと思う。「あの人が嫌だ、この人が嫌い」と、他者を否定してきた。組織の束縛から逃げ続けた。私は隣人を自分のようには愛してこなかった。そういう人生であった。

　よく分からない。そのことに気づいたからといって私は明日から生まれ変わったように、所属している組織の人たちとより深い繋がりを持つために、行動や言動を変えていけるだろうか。やりたい事ができない不自由さを抱えながら、隣人を愛すためにすべてを耐え忍べるだろうか。私には困難なミッションと言わざるを得ない。
　ただ組織の考え方や指針に私が疑念をもっているならば、それを訴え、“私が考える”より良い方向への転換を提案することはやる価値のある事だとは思う。手が震えるような相当な覚悟とエネルギーが必要な挑戦であることは間違いないし、どんなに頑張っても私の言葉で体制が変わるようなことはちょっと考えにくい。しかしそこにチャレンジせずに「やりたいのに、やらせてくれない」と駄々をこねるのは、やっぱりちょっと恥ずかしい行いだと思う。逃げずに人と人の間で生きていこうとする闘いはまだまだ続きそうな気配だ。

　通うのを止めた教会に、顔を出してみようか……

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Advantages vs. Disadvantages

　If there is something I want to do, but it is something I am doing as a member of an organization, there is almost nothing I can do as I please. When I say I am self-indulgent, I do not mean that I go out of the way of others, but rather that I put too much thought and energy into it and deviate from the organization’s way of doing things. While I feel a sense of frustration at not being able to do as I please, I believe that this is a boundary that must be firmly protected as long as I am a member of the organization.
　In this sense, there are many organizations that have a direction in which each individual tries to kill themselves and achieve the overall goal. In fact, I feel that the world is full of such organizations.

　If you don’t like it, you have no choice but to leave. In the end, it all comes down to that. You don’t have the freedom to do what you want, but in many cases, everyone has the freedom to quit. However, it is also true that when you are engaged in something, you will not only experience stressful events, but you will also feel rewarded, learn a lot, and have opportunities for personal growth. I also think that simply “continuing” something is very valuable.
　There is no place where you can be 100% satisfied. Even if you are a group of like-minded people, when a large number of people gather together, it is often difficult to maintain control without some kind of discipline or guideline. There must also be an overall goal. In such a situation, I think people weigh the stress of not being able to do what they want to do against the joy of feeling a sense of fulfillment. At least that is how I have repeatedly weighed the advantages and disadvantages and made the decision to take the plunge. That was my life.

　I honestly don’t think it was a bad life. I remember that it was the best decision I could make at the time. But if you look at the results alone, I think I have continued to abandon living among people. I denied others, saying, “I don’t like that person, I don’t like this person. I have continued to run away from the constraints of the organization. I have not loved my neighbor as myself. That was my life.

　I don’t understand it well. Will I be able to change my behavior and words and actions to have a deeper connection with the people in the organization I belong to, as if I am born again tomorrow because I have realized this? Will I be able to endure everything in order to love my neighbor, despite the inconvenience of not being able to do what I want to do? I must say that it is a difficult mission for me.
　However, if I have doubts about the organization’s thinking and guidelines, I think it is worth doing to voice them and propose what “I think” is a better direction. There is no doubt that this is a challenge that requires a trembling hand and a great deal of determination and energy, and no matter how hard I try, it is unlikely that my words will change the system. However, I think it is a little embarrassing to say, “I want to do it, but they won’t let me do it,” without challenging myself. The struggle to live among people without running away is likely to continue.

　Let’s try to show up at the church I stopped attending: ……