2泊3日で、東日本大震災の被災地で行われた、ある勉強会に参加してきた。その中に知らない人がいないわけではなかったが、ほとんどが初対面の人たちと3日間過ごしてきた。13年前の東日本大震災で、被災された人たちが今どんな問題を抱え、どのように生きているかということを報告し、質疑応答やディスカッションの場を設けるなどして、学びの機会を持った3日間だった。また震災後、被災地に可能性を感じて他の土地から移住してきた人たちが、自分たちの活躍している様子を紹介してくれた。
　私は言わば“受講生”で、私は被災地に何の縁もなく、それは皆さん大変だと思うが、日々の生活の中で震災のことを思い出すことはほとんどない。私が参加した主な理由は、この企画の主催者がお世話になっている方で、被災地の今を知ることよりも、運営のお手伝いをして差し上げようと思い立ったからだった。しかし初めて聞くような内容ばかりで驚きもあったし、とても勉強になったことは間違いないだろう。

　結果的に私自身の震災に対する無知と、無関心をまざまざと思い知らされた勉強会になった。震災後、5年の間に3回か4回ほど被災地に赴き、瓦礫の処理など、肉体労働のボランティアに出かけたことはあった。
　しかし今考えるとそれは、ただ“行っただけ”だった。本当に被災者の皆さんに心を寄せて、救いの手を差し伸べたわけではなかったと思う。行って帰ってきただけで、その後も例えば、仮設住宅にお住まいの方に手紙を書いたり、様子を聞きに電話したしたりしたことは一度もなかった。冷酷な言い方になるが、全ては他人事で、良い人のフリをしているだけ。私は偽善者も甚だしかった。

　そして残念ながら、震災はこれからも、私にとって他人事に変わりはないのだろうと思う。今回の勉強会で、被災地で頑張っている人たちに新しく出会えたし、多少の知識も得られた。参加して良かったと思う気持ちは嘘ではない。しかしだからと言って、明日から彼らのことを心の中心に置いて、彼らの役に立てるように行動を起こすようなことは、私はしないと思う。また数日、数週間、時が過ぎれば、日々の生活レベルでは忘れてしまうだろう。
　ハッキリ言って、人生を変えるような感動的な出会いではなく、どちらかと言えば、そこまで献身的には関われないという自分自身の正直な気持ちに気づかされた、ちょっと苦い思い出になった。でもそのことに気づくことができたのは収穫だったと感じる。

　この勉強会で、震災に思い入れのない私には、意見を求められることさえ辛かった。質問を求められても、質問したいという自分が見つけられず、ちょっとギブアップ感があった。「そんなことではダメだ。自分の事として考えなくては」とは思うが、どうにもできない。私には珍しい事だと思う。それくらい気持ちが乗らなかった。
　最終日の朝、少し早く起きて、津波が人々を飲み込んだ海を見るために、一人海岸へ向かった。自分の気持ちに喝を入れたかったのかもしれない。荒れ気味の太平洋は雄大で、13年前を想像すると心が強張った。来年もしまたこの企画が行われるとしたら、私はどうするだろう。主催者からは深い感謝の言葉をもらい、少しは力になれたかと嬉しくは思うが、そのことはまだ来年も参加する決め手にはなっていない。まぁ、またその時に考えよう。

　でも、祈ることはできるね。

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A Certain Emptiness

　For three days and two nights, I participated in a study group that took place in the areas affected by the Great East Japan Earthquake. I spent three days with people I had never met before, although there was not a stranger among them. The three days were filled with opportunities to learn from the victims of the Great East Japan Earthquake 13 years ago by reporting on what problems they are facing and how they are living now, and by providing opportunities for question and answer sessions and discussions. In addition, after the earthquake, people who had moved to the area from other places because they saw the potential in the affected areas introduced how they were making a difference.
　I am a “student,” so to speak, and I have no connection to the disaster area, which I know is difficult for everyone, but I rarely think about the disaster in my daily life. The main reason for my participation was that the organizer of this project was someone I had worked with, and rather than learn about the current situation in the disaster-affected areas, I decided to help him with the operation of the event. However, I was surprised by all the things I had never heard before, and I am certain that I learned a great deal.

　As a result, the study session made me realize just how ignorant and indifferent I was to the disaster. In the five years since the disaster, I have been to the affected areas three or four times to do physical volunteer work such as clearing rubble and debris.
　However, when I think about it now, I realize that I was just “there. I don’t think I really cared about the victims and offered a helping hand. I just went and came back, and never wrote a letter or called the people living in temporary housing to ask how they were doing. To put it in a cruel way, all of this is just another person pretending to be a good person. I was a hypocrite as well.

　And unfortunately, I think the disaster will remain a stranger to me. At this study session, I was able to meet new people who are working hard in the disaster area and gained some knowledge. I am glad to have participated. However, that does not mean that I will not put them at the center of my heart tomorrow and take action to help them. Another few days, weeks, or hours will pass and I will forget them on a day-to-day level.
　To be clear, it was not a life-changing and inspiring encounter, and if anything, it was a bit of a bittersweet memory that made me realize my own honest feelings of not being able to be that involved in a committed way. But I feel it was a harvest that I was able to realize that.

　In this study group, it was hard for me to even be asked for my opinion, as I had no feelings about the disaster. Even when asked to ask questions, I couldn’t find myself wanting to ask questions, and I felt a bit like a giver. I thought to myself, “That’s not going to work. I have to think about it as my own thing,” but I couldn’t help it. I think that’s unusual for me. That’s how much I didn’t feel like it.
　On the morning of the last day, I woke up a little early and headed to the beach alone to see the sea where the tsunami had swallowed people. Perhaps I wanted to blackmail my feelings. The rugged Pacific Ocean was majestic, and my heart was tense as I imagined what it must have been like 13 years ago. If this project were to be held again next year, what would I do? The organizers expressed their deep appreciation and I was happy to have been able to help in some small way, but that has not yet been a deciding factor in my decision to participate again next year. Well, I’ll think about it then.

　But we can pray, can’t we?