先日、私が通っているキリスト教会のメンバーで、一泊二日の修養会に出かけた時の話。私は尊敬する82歳の牧師先生と相部屋になった。その方はもう正式なキリスト教団公認の牧師としては自ら引退されていて、「引退牧師」としてあちこちの教会をサポートする立場で活躍されている。正式にはどうあろうと、私にとってはれっきとした牧師先生だ。
　最近では全国的に牧師の数が足らず、 教会によっては“無牧師”状態で、信徒たちだけで日曜日の礼拝を守っているところもあるそうだ。その引退牧師先生は、どの教会からも依頼がない日曜日は、私の教会で一信徒として礼拝に参列されており、私たち信徒10数名の小さな教会に、実質牧師が二人いるという非常に贅沢な状況になっている。私はもともとその牧師先生に誘われて、私の教会に参列するようになり、言わば、恩人である。

　その先生はご高齢ではあるが、非常に頭の良さを感じさせる優秀な方だ。牧師としてトータル50年以上もの経験があるだけでなく、読書家で勉強を欠かさず、キリスト教に関係ない事柄にも精通している。いわゆる“うんちく”が凄い方だ。だから私が聖書のことで質問したときには2倍、3倍の答えが返ってくる。ちょっと敵わない。
　私がその先生が一番凄いと思うところは、そんなに博学なのに驕った様子が見られず、分からない事にはハッキリと分からないとおっしゃること。あれだけ豊富な知識があれば、無知な質問に対して適当に丸め込むこともきっと可能なのだろう。それに「分からない」と告げるには、私の感覚では、多少の屈辱感を伴う。悔しい思いをするくらいなら、それらしい言葉を並べて適当に誤魔化しても良さそうな気もするが、先生はなさらない。そういう誠実なところが尊敬を集める所以なのだろう。見習わなければ。

　話を戻す。修養会の夜、ホテルの部屋で二人で話をしていて、そろそろ寝ようかという話になった時に、この先生が何も言わずに突然敷かれた布団の上で跪き、お腹の辺りで手を組み、首を垂れてお祈りをし始めた。声を出さずに無言のまま固まっていた。長い時間ではなかったが、私などはまるでそこにいないが如く、ジッと一心にお祈りされていた。私はその時、この方の生きる姿勢の根源を目撃したような気がした。魂が祈りによって支えられていたように感じ、とにかくカッコ良かった。「やっぱりクリスチャンはすげぇ」と素直に感じた。

　1年前に洗礼を受けるより前は、クリスチャンに対して完璧な人間像を描いていた。私には到底なれはしないと思っていたほどに。しかし一旦なってしまうと、自分を見て、身近な周りの信徒たちを見て、「なんだ、クリスチャンなんて、こんなものか」と安堵なのか失望なのか、少し理想が崩れたように感じていた。でもその気持ちを私は「そんなに堅っ苦しく考える必要はないのだ」と、緊張を解いて、良い意味で捉えていた。
　だがしかし、私は先生のその祈る姿を拝見して、身が引き締まる思いがした。やはり私は今からでも私の理想を追おうと思う。とは言っても、理想に縛られる必要はない。理想を実現できない自分に失望することは返って邪魔だと思う。神さまから与えられた現状に満足できないならば、幸せは遠くなる。これを踏まえた上で、やはり目標を持とうと思う。できない自分を赦しつつ、高みを目指したい。さぁ、祈ろう。

　東大卒らしいんだよね～、その方……

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Master of Prayer

　The other day, I went on a two-day overnight retreat with members of the Christian church I attend. I ended up sharing a room with an 82-year-old pastor I respect. He has already retired as an officially recognized pastor of a Christian denomination, but he is still active in supporting various churches as a “retired pastor”. Regardless of his official status, he is still a pastor in my eyes.
　Recently, there are not enough pastors nationwide, and some churches are in a state of “without a pastor”, with the congregation holding Sunday services on their own. On Sundays when he is not requested by any church, this retired pastor attends services at my church as a member of the congregation, and we have the luxury of having two pastors in our small church of just over ten members. I originally started attending my church because of this pastor, so you could say he is my benefactor.

　Although he is an older gentleman, he is an excellent person who gives the impression of being very intelligent. Not only does he have over 50 years of experience as a pastor, but he is also a voracious reader who never stops studying, and he is well-versed in matters unrelated to Christianity. He is a person with a great deal of so-called “knowledge”. So when I ask him a question about the Bible, he gives me two or three times the amount of information I asked for. I can’t compete with him.
　What I think is most amazing about this teacher is that, despite his vast knowledge, he never seems arrogant, and when he doesn’t know something, he clearly says so. With such a wealth of knowledge, I’m sure it would be possible to make up a suitable answer to an ignorant question. Also, in my opinion, there is a certain sense of humiliation involved in saying “I don’t know”. If it’s going to be frustrating, it seems like it would be okay to make up some kind of story and just fudge it, but the teacher doesn’t do that. I guess that kind of sincerity is the reason why he is respected. I need to learn from him.

　Back to the story. One night at the retreat, we were talking in our hotel room and when we were about to go to sleep, this teacher suddenly knelt down on the futon without saying anything, folded his hands around his stomach, and began to pray with his head bowed. He remained silent and motionless without making a sound. It wasn’t a long time, but it felt like I wasn’t even there as he prayed with all his heart and soul. At that moment, I felt like I had witnessed the root of this person’s way of life. It felt like his soul was being supported by his prayer, and it was really cool. I thought to myself, “As I thought, Christians are amazing.

　Before I was baptized a year ago, I had a perfect image of what a Christian should be like. I thought it was something I could never be. But once I became a Christian, when I looked at myself and at the other believers around me, I felt a little let down, as if my ideal of what a Christian should be like had been shattered. But I took it in a positive way, thinking to myself, “There’s no need to think so rigidly about it,” and I relaxed.
　However, when I saw the way the teacher was praying, I felt a sense of urgency. I think I will still pursue my ideals from now on. That said, there is no need to be bound by ideals. I think it’s a hindrance to be disappointed in yourself for not being able to achieve your ideals. If you can’t be satisfied with the current situation that God has given you, then happiness will be far away. With this in mind, I think I’ll have a goal after all. I want to aim high while forgiving myself for not being able to do it. Now, let’s pray.

　I hear he’s a graduate of Tokyo University…