私は小さな頃、「譲る子」だった。例えばみんなで遊園地へ出かけた時に、様々な場面で「あと一人分しか席がない」とか、誰かが諦めなければならない状況になると、私は必ず身を引いて友達に譲った。本当は私もやりたいんだけれど、他の人を優先できる子どもだった。しかし、“譲ることができる子”と言えばカッコいいが、私はそういう自分の性格を「良さ」ではなく、「弱さ」として捉えていた。声を上げて自分もやりたいという旨を伝える勇気を持てないから、真っ先に引き下がる弱虫だと卑下していた。実際にそうであったと思う。自分の意見を主張できない気弱な子どもだった。
　そういう自分が嫌いで、変わりたかった。言いたいことを言わずに引きこもるのではなく、いつでも堂々と胸を張った生き方ができる立派な人になりたかった。次にまた同じような状況になることがあったら、引かずに必ず主張しようと心に決めていたが、結局毎回“譲って”いたように思う。そういう性質は今でもあまり変わっていないかもしれない。

　そんな感じで小さい頃から長年自分の弱点だと思っていた部分を、何故だが急に思い出し、今さらながら考えてみた。確かに気弱で臆病な子どもであったいう印象に変わりはないが、しかし「譲る」ことができたのは、私が優しい子であった証拠なのではないか。自分が我慢することで、他人に喜びや楽しさを得る機会を与えてあげようとする気持ちは素晴らしいと思う。親や目上の人から強制されたとしても、咄嗟に抱ける気持ちではないだろう。
　そういう心が私には自然と備わっていたのか、教育されてそうなったのか分からないが、誰からも何も指示されず、無意識に譲ることができた子どもの私には、クリスチャンになれるような素地が昔からあったのかもしれない。自分の意見をしっかり主張できないという特徴は褒められたものではないだろうが、そういうことも含めてトータルで私らしいエピソードだと思う。

　ただ、この話にまつわる私自身へのもう一つの考察として、私は悲劇の主人公になろうとする傾向がある。高校時代にはすでに、この症状に気づいていた。自分が我慢することで可哀相な自分を作り上げ、「自分を犠牲にできる良い人」をアピールし、周りの同情を誘おうとするようなところが私にはある。つまり私は、健気な自分を演じ、注目を集めることで自分自身に陶酔するのだ。冷静に考えると、私はちょっと気持ちが悪いタイプだと思う。
　自分の心に向き合う事でそういう本当の自分に気づき、認めてゆくわけだが、この作業がなかなか厳しく辛い。そんな嫌らしい自分を認めたくはないではないか。認めたくない自分からは、時には逃げ出したくなるものだ。それでも逃げずに踏ん張って、己と対峙してゆかなければ成長はないと思うし、人生とはそれほどに厳しいものだと改めて思う。

　最近では譲ることがなくなってきているようにも感じる。良いことなのだろうか。同じクリスチャンであっても、一人ひとりの信仰は異なるし、私には私の長所短所がある。私には私の賜物や使命がある。それは「自分とは何者か」という問いを探る旅の中にあって、少しずつ明らかになってくるものなのではないだろうか。
　だから、やはり逃げてはダメなのだと思う。逃げたとしても、所詮他に行く場所は無い。私は神さまの愛に留まり、ここで自分を探し、真理を探究していこうと思う。弱虫は弱虫なりに。

　自意識が過剰、なんだろうね

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A Cowardly Hero

　When I was little, I was the kind of child who would give up. For example, when we went to an amusement park with a group of friends, if there was only room for one more person, or if someone had to give up, I would always step aside and let my friends have it. I really wanted to do it myself, but I was the kind of child who would put others first. But while it sounds cool to be a child who can give up, I didn’t see my personality as a ‘good thing’, but as a ‘weakness’. I didn’t have the courage to speak up and say that I wanted to do it too, so I thought of myself as a coward who would back down first. I think that was actually the case. I was a timid child who couldn’t assert my own opinions.
　I hated myself for being like that, and I wanted to change. I wanted to become a respectable person who could live with their head held high at all times, rather than withdrawing without saying what I wanted to say. I had made up my mind that if I ever found myself in a similar situation again, I would definitely stand up for myself, but in the end I think I ended up giving in every time. I think that trait hasn’t really changed much even now.

　For some reason, I suddenly remembered this part of myself that I had thought of as a weakness for many years since I was a child, and I thought about it again. It’s true that I still have the impression that I was a timid and cowardly child, but I think that the fact that I was able to ‘give in’ is proof that I was a kind child. I think it’s wonderful that I was able to give others the opportunity to experience joy and happiness by putting up with things myself. Even if you were forced to do so by your parents or superiors, it’s not a feeling you can have on the spur of the moment.
　I don’t know whether this kind of heart was something I had naturally or whether I was taught to have it, but I think that as a child who was able to give things away without being told to do so by anyone and without even thinking about it, I may have had the potential to become a Christian from a long time ago. I’m sure my inability to firmly assert my own opinions is not something to be praised, but I think this is a characteristic episode that is totally unique to me.

　However, another thing I’ve noticed about myself in relation to this story is that I have a tendency to try to be the hero of a tragedy. I was already aware of this symptom in high school. There is a part of me that tries to create a pitiful image of myself by putting up with things, and tries to appeal to people around me as a ‘good person who can make sacrifices for others’, in order to arouse their sympathy. In other words, I act the part of a selfless person and become intoxicated with myself by attracting attention. When I think about it calmly, I think I’m a little bit of an unpleasant type of person.
　By facing my own heart, I become aware of this true self of mine and come to accept it, but this process is quite difficult and painful. I don’t want to accept this nasty side of myself. Sometimes I feel like running away from the part of me that I don’t want to accept. But I think that if I don’t run away but instead stand firm and face myself, I will not grow, and I think that life is that kind of harsh thing.

　Recently, I feel like I’m becoming less willing to give in. Is that a good thing? Even if we’re both Christians, each person’s faith is different, and I have my own strengths and weaknesses. I have my own gifts and mission. I think that these things gradually become clear as we continue on our journey of exploring the question of “Who am I?
　So I think that I shouldn’t run away. Even if I do run away, there is no place else to go. I will stay in God’s love and search for myself and seek the truth here. A weak person is a weak person.

　I guess I have too much self-consciousness.