「愛」などと言えば、少しカッコつけ過ぎのような気がして、テーマにすること自体に躊躇を覚えるが、まぁ私もそれなりに「愛すること」を経験してきた。主には異性に対する恋心が私にとっての「愛」であって、それに応えてもらえるように、好きになった女性に働きかけてきた。
　そういう異性に対する気持ちを抱くことは大切なことだと思う。私には女性の事しか考えていない時期もあった。個人差は著しくあるけれど、性別に関係なく誰にでもそういう時期はあって、間違いなく人間の基本的な欲求の一つであろう。抑えすぎることは良くない。私の問題は、その「愛」について、異性への恋心が長期にわたって、“全て”だったことだ。

　「家族愛」というものがあって、私は両親に大切に育ててもらったし、大学まで行かせてもらった。経済的にも大変だったと思うが、おかげで何不自由なく大人になることができた。そういう意味では本当に感謝していて、有難かったと思っている。しかし考えてみると、それは私が親になって初めて気づいてきた感覚なのだと思う。育ててもらっていた頃は、それほどの感謝の気持ちは抱けなかった。どこかで親が子供を育てることは当たり前だと思っていたのかもしれない。いや、親の苦労などは考えたことすら無かったのではないか。私は本当に薄情な息子である。
　娘が生まれて、家族に対する「愛」が分かってきたように思う。異性に対する気持ちとは性質の異なる「愛」。言い換えると、性欲に依らない本当の「愛」に、娘が気づかせてくれたのかもしれない。自分の中にあった“ちょっと違う愛”に目覚めたことで、私の両親に対する気持ちが新たにされ、また妻への気持ちも、尊敬と言うか、変わってきたように思う。つまり、私が新たにされたのだろう。

　私が娘を愛おしいと思う気持ちが募るほどに、私の両親が如何に私を愛してくれたのかが想像できるようになってきた。そうすると両親への気持ちも募ってくる。私が子供の頃の写真を見たりすると、どれほど愛してもらってきたのかが伝わってきて、涙が出てきそうだ。自分の子供が生まれてくれて本当に幸運だった。
　子供が生まれて来てくれたことでもう一つ得た感覚は、言うまでもなく「命の大切さ」であろう。新しい命はこれほどまでに眩く、尊いものだ。愛に満ちている。自分の命を犠牲にしてでも、娘の命を守りたいと思う。私はそれが真の「愛」だと思うのだ。「愛」はこの世で、いや、すべての世界で、最も大切なものなのではないだろうか。

　神さまは、その独り子の命を人間のために犠牲にしてくださった。私には測り知れないほど大きくて、深い「愛」だと思う。それほどまでに神さまは私たちのことを愛してくださったのだ。思い返せば、私が真剣に聖書を読み始め、キリスト教に心が向かって行ったのは、娘が生まれてからの事だ。
　娘が誕生しなければ、即ち私が「愛」を知らなければ、神さまと出会うことができなかったのかもしれない。私は娘の命に救われたのだ。全ては時が満ち、神さまのご計画が私の上に実行されたのだと思う。

　まだまだ知らないことは、多いね～

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Changing Love

　When I think of words like “love”, I feel like I’m trying too hard to be cool, and I hesitate to make it the theme of my story, but I’ve experienced “loving” in my own way. For me, “love” is mainly a romantic feeling for the opposite sex, and I’ve tried to make advances to the women I’ve fallen for in order to get a response.
　I think it’s important to have feelings like that for the opposite sex. There was a time when I only thought about women. Although there are significant individual differences, everyone has a time like that, regardless of gender, and it is definitely one of the basic human needs. It’s not good to suppress it too much. Regarding “love”, my problem was that my feelings of love for the opposite sex were “all” I had for a long time.

　There is such a thing as “family love”, and I was brought up by my parents with great care, and they even sent me to university. I think they had a hard time financially, but thanks to them I was able to grow up without any problems. In that sense, I am truly grateful and thankful. However, when I think about it, I think that this is a feeling that I have only come to realize after becoming a parent myself. When I was being brought up, I didn’t have that much gratitude. Maybe somewhere in my mind I thought it was natural for parents to bring up their children. Or perhaps I didn’t even think about the hardships my parents went through. I really am a heartless son.
　I think that when my daughter was born, I began to understand the meaning of “love” for a family. Love” is different in nature to feelings for the opposite sex. In other words, my daughter may have made me realize true ‘love’ that is not based on sexual desire. By awakening to this ‘different kind of love’ within myself, I think that my feelings towards my parents have been renewed, and my feelings towards my wife have also changed, or perhaps I should say that I have gained a new respect for her. In other words, I think that I have been renewed.

　The more I think about how much I love my daughter, the more I can imagine how much my parents loved me. This makes me feel even more for them. When I look at photos of me as a child, I can see how much they loved me, and it makes me want to cry. I feel so lucky that I had a child of my own.
　Another feeling I gained from having a child was, needless to say, the “importance of life”. A new life is so dazzling and precious. It is full of love. I would sacrifice my own life to protect my daughter’s life. I think that is true “love”. I think “love” is the most important thing in this world, or in all worlds.

　God sacrificed his only son’s life for the sake of humanity. I think that is a love that is immeasurably great and deep. God loved us that much. If I think back, it was after my daughter was born that I started to read the Bible seriously and turned my heart to Christianity.
　If my daughter had not been born, or if I had not known the meaning of “love,” I might never have met God. I was saved by my daughter’s life. I think that everything happened when the time was right, and God’s plan was carried out for me.

　There are still so many things I don’t know!