日本では、3月は年度末ということで、12月の年末とはまた違った意味で一年の大きな区切りになる。卒業や転職、転勤、退職、引退など、人生の節目を迎える人も多い。長い時間を共に過ごした仲間との、別れの時とも言えるだろう。

　私もこの3月で、1年間の研修期間を含めればトータルで4年間活動してきたボランティアを辞めることにした。理由はいくつかあるのだが、私のやりたいやり方とボランティア団体のやり方に、私が仕事に慣れるに従ってギャップを感じるようになってきたことが大きいと思っている。
　団体としてはそのやり方で何十年もやってきたわけで、私一人が異を唱えたところで何も変わらないし、大勢で動いているので、みんなが一つのルールを守らなければ統制が取れなくなるということがあると思う。仕方がないし、実際私のやりたいやり方をみんながやれば、システム的に全体の活動自体が立ち行かなくなるだろう。丁寧過ぎるのだ。だから私がその違和感に我慢できないのなら、辞めるしかない。やりがいを感じていたので随分悩んだのだが、実働3年を機に、離れることにした。

　そのボランティア団体の門を叩いた時は、「この活動に残りの人生を懸けてみようか」くらいの、決死の意気込みを湛えていた。特に最初の頃は仕事に慣れるために、他の誰よりも必死に頑張ったつもりだ。それが認められて、先輩の皆さんにも顔と名前を早々に憶えてもらい、声をよくかけてもらったものだ。今思うと、私のやる気を上手く利用されていたのかもしれず、何かあると真っ先に呼ばれて仕事を仰せつかった。それが仇になったとは思っていないけれど、何となくコツを覚えてくると、私の関心が自分自身から団体のやり方に移っていき、問題点が目に付くようになっていった。
　引っかかっている点は違っても、働いている人それぞれが何かしらの疑念や悩みを持っていると思う。十数名で行う月に一度の研修会は、いつも愚痴のこぼし合いの様相を呈していて、それくらい厳しい内容の仕事だ。長い人は40年以上も続けている先輩もいて、細かいことを気にしなければ続けられる人もいるようだが、私にはそんなに長くは到底考えられない。正直、自分で3年間本当によくやったと思っている。

　もちろんやってみた結果、自分に合う仕事ではなかったという事はあると思う。この仕事は私には合わなかったということだろうから、人生は懸けられなかったけれど落ち込まず、前を向いてまた何か他の事を見つけて頑張りたい。ただ、一緒に働いた仲間たちは本当に心が清い人たちばかりで、とても尊敬している。人のために役立つことをしようと無償で、時間を費やして、しかも心を傾けて奉仕できる人たちがこんなにいるのかと驚いた。あの人たちがいたから、私がここまでやってこられたことは間違いない。ありがとう。別れることは、やはり少し寂しい思いがする。
　そして、離職まであと一日の勤務を残すのみとなった。辞めると決心してからが長かったが、決していい加減にならず、残りの勤務日をカウントダウンしながら最後まで粘り強く勤務できたと思う。辛かった分、かけがえのない経験になった。やはり苦しみの先にこそ、喜びはあるのだと思う。支えてくださった神さまに、心からの感謝を捧げる。

　結構、スッキリしてるんだよね～

/////////////////////

One More Day

　In Japan, March is the end of the fiscal year, and so it is a major turning point in the year, with a different significance to the end of the year in December. Many people reach important milestones in their lives, such as graduating, changing jobs, being transferred, or retiring. It could also be said to be a time of parting with friends who have spent a long time together.

　This March, I have decided to quit my volunteer work, which I have been doing for a total of four years, including the one-year training period. There are a number of reasons, but I think the main one is that I began to feel a gap between the way I wanted to do things and the way the volunteer organization did things as I got used to my job.
　The organization had been doing things that way for decades, so even if I objected to it, nothing would change, and because they were working as a large group, I think there was a point where if everyone didn’t follow the same rules, they would lose control. There was no way around it, and if everyone did things the way I wanted to do them, the whole system would collapse. My way is too polite. So if I can’t put up with that feeling of discomfort, I have no choice but to quit. I was feeling a sense of fulfillment, so I agonized over the decision for quite some time, but I decided to leave after three years of active service.

　When I first knocked on the door of that volunteer group, I was filled with a sense of determination to the point of thinking, “I’ll devote the rest of my life to this activity.” Especially in the beginning, I think I worked harder than anyone else to get used to the work. I think that this was recognized, and my seniors quickly learned my name and face, and often called out to me. Thinking about it now, I think they may have been taking advantage of my motivation, and whenever something came up, I was the first to be called and given work. I don’t think that this was a bad thing, but as I learned the ropes, my interest shifted from myself to the way the organization worked, and I began to notice problems.
　Even if the points that are bothering them are different, I think that each of the people working here has some kind of doubt or worry. The monthly training sessions we have with a dozen or so people always seem to take the form of a mutual complaining session, and the work is that demanding. Some of the more senior people have been doing it for over 40 years, and it seems that if you don’t mind the small details, you can keep going, but I can’t imagine doing it for that long. To be honest, I think I did really well for three years.

　Of course, I think there is a possibility that, as a result of trying it out, it turned out that this job wasn’t really for me. I guess this job wasn’t really for me, so I can’t risk my life, but I won’t get depressed and I want to look forward and find something else to work hard at. However, the people I worked with were all really pure-hearted people, and I really respect them. I was surprised that there were so many people who could devote their time and energy to helping others without any thought of reward. There is no doubt that I was able to get this far thanks to those people. Thank you. Saying goodbye is still a little sad.
　And I only have one more day of work left before I leave. It was a long time after I made up my mind to quit, but I never gave up and I think I was able to work persistently until the end while counting down the remaining days of work. The hard times made it an irreplaceable experience. I think that joy is found only after suffering. I offer my heartfelt thanks to God for supporting me.

　I feel pretty refreshed!