私は家族で、週末にどこかへ行楽に出かけるという習慣がない。お花見や紅葉狩りをしに郊外まで足を延ばしたり、山や川でキャンプをしたりという、いわゆる“家族サービス”が苦手だ。夏に海水浴で海へ行くくらい。土日も仕事で家を空けることが多かったことが一番の原因だが、私は外で何かするよりも、快適な環境で映画を見る方を好む。そうかと言って、一人娘を連れて映画館へ足繁く通ったということもなく、子供が高校生になり、休日に親と行動するよりも友達と過ごす方が多くなった今、振り返ると父親失格だったとつくづく思う。

　私は基本的に、何にでも“やる意味”を求めるのだと思う。なぜ桜を見るのだろう、どうして動物園や遊園地へ行くのだろう。そこへ出かけて、一体何のためになるのだろう等々。堅っ苦しい頑固な親父だ。私はいちいち意味づけをして納得しないと動かない。
　子供のためにどこにも遊びに連れて行かなかったというわけではない。回数は少ないかもしれないが、行けば行ったで、それなりに良い思い出は残っている。しかし訪れた先々で、子どもが楽しそうに遊んでいる姿を嬉しく見つめつつも、「どうしてオレはここにいるんだろう？」という、底知れぬ不毛感も同時に感じていた。

　今日は日曜日で、いつもの通りキリスト教会で主日礼拝があった。ちょうど桜が満開で見ごろを迎えていたために、礼拝の後、教会のみんなでおにぎりを携えて花見に出かけた。あいにくの強風で気温も低く、どこかの桜の木の下に座って食事というわけにはいかず、何台かの車に分かれ、3㎞ほどの長い桜並木をゆっくり通り過ぎた。私は運転手の一人だった。ほとんど車窓からだけの鑑賞だったが、それでも見事に咲き誇った桜にみんなが感心していた。日本人にとって桜という花木は、外国の方たちには理解できないような独特の思い入れがあるのかもしれない。私はこんな素晴らしい桜を鑑賞できる場所が、教会から車で意外とすぐに行ける距離にあるとは全く知らず、少々恥ずかしい思いをした。
　屋内の施設を借りておにぎりを食べた後、羊やアルパカ等が飼育されている近くの小さな公共施設へ見学ツアーに出かけた。桜については、車中からの鑑賞のみで面倒臭くなかったことがあり、まぁ良かったのだが、この小さな動物園のような施設を回っている時に、またあのとてもない不毛感に襲われた。「オレはどうしてここにいるのだろう……」。これから今日中にブログを仕上げなければならないし、他の仕事も山積みになっている。実は最近、思うように仕事が進まず、少しナーバスになっている程で、「こんなことをしている暇があったら帰りたい」と、山羊の顔を見ながらフラストレーションが溜まって来ていた。

　ところがその後、「これで良いのかな」と思えた。私の性格はそんなにすぐに変えられるものではないだろうし、変えようとも思っていない。ただ、この“面倒臭い”性格のままで、もし教会の皆さんのために働けたのならそれで充分かなと思った。
　今日、私は皆さんのための運転手役として仕えることができた。個人的には心の中で葛藤があったけれども、冷静に考えると、私は自分のことしか考えていなかったことに気づく。それではいつまで経っても、御心に適う行いをすることはできないだろう。自分の時間を使って他者に奉仕できたことは、私が神さまに用いられたという事だと思う。高齢の皆さんの「今日はいい日だった」という言葉が、私にそれを気づかせてくれた。来年は自分の両親を連れてまた来ようと思う。

　娘よ、ごめん

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Cherry blossoms in full bloom

　I don’t have the custom of going on excursions with my family at the weekend. I’m not good at so-called “family service”, like going to the suburbs to see cherry blossoms or autumn leaves, or camping in the mountains or by the river. The main reason is that I often have to be away from home on business even at weekends, but I prefer to watch a movie in a comfortable environment rather than doing something outside. That said, I never took my only daughter to the cinema often, and now that she is in high school and spends more time with her friends than with her parents on holidays, I think back and realize that I was a terrible father.

　I think that I basically seek the “meaning” of everything. Why do we look at cherry blossoms? Why do we go to the zoo or the amusement park? What is the point of going there? I’m a stuffy, stubborn old man. I have to give everything a meaning and be satisfied with it before I can move on.
　It’s not that I never took my children anywhere to play. Although we may not have done it very often, when we did go, we left with good memories. However, while I was happily watching my children happily playing at each place we visited, I also felt a sense of unfathomable futility, asking myself “Why am I here?

　It was Sunday, and as usual, there was a Sunday service at the Christian church. As the cherry blossoms were in full bloom and at their best, after the service everyone from the church went out to enjoy the cherry blossoms, taking rice balls with them. Unfortunately, it was a cold day with strong winds, so we couldn’t sit under the cherry trees and eat our lunch, so we split up into several cars and slowly drove past the long line of cherry trees, which was about 3km long. I was one of the drivers. Although we could only admire the cherry blossoms from the car windows, everyone was still impressed by the magnificent blooming cherry trees. For Japanese people, cherry blossoms are a type of flower that has a unique emotional attachment to them that foreigners may not understand. I felt a little embarrassed to realize that there was a place where we could admire such wonderful cherry blossoms, and that it was actually quite close to the church by car.
　After renting an indoor facility and eating onigiri, we went on a tour of a nearby small public facility where sheep, alpacas and other animals were kept. It was good that we only had to admire the cherry blossoms from the car, so it wasn’t too troublesome, but when we were walking around this small zoo-like facility, I was again hit by that very strong sense of futility. “Why am I here…? I have to finish my blog today, and there’s a mountain of other work to do too. Actually, recently I haven’t been able to get on with my work as I would like, and I’ve been getting a bit nervous. I was looking at the goat’s face and feeling frustrated, thinking “I wish I could go home instead of doing this”.

　However, after that, I thought “This is okay. I don’t think my personality can change that quickly, and I don’t think I want it to change. However, I thought that if I could work for the church members while keeping this ‘troublesome’ personality, that would be enough.
　Today, I was able to serve as a driver for everyone. Personally, I was struggling with my heart, but when I thought about it calmly, I realized that I was only thinking about myself. In that case, I will never be able to do things that are pleasing to God. I think that being able to use my own time to serve others is a sign that God is using me. The words of the elderly people, “Today was a good day,” made me realize that. Next year, I think I will come again with my own parents.

　I’m sorry, my daughter.