何か頼まれごとをすると、私は断れないタイプだ。やった経験があるなど、確実に自分で解決できる範囲のことなら、ケチらず大いにやってあげればいいと思う。しかし私の場合、私の力や知識等を越えて、どうにもならないようなことまで引き受けてしまう悪い癖がある。できなくても笑い話で済むような事柄なら、私が恥をかくだけで終わるのだが、往々にしてそうでもないことが多い。
　「せっかく私に相談してくれたんだから」と意気に感じて、ついつい無理をしてしまう。最悪の結果は、私が何の役にも立てなかった上に、試行錯誤している間に相手の貴重な時間を使ってしまうこと。そんな時は本当に居たたまれない気持ちになる。よせばいいのに余計なお節介を焼いてしまう感じだ。

　それでも最近は歳を取ったせいか、随分と自重するようになった。無理をせず、役に立てなそうな雰囲気だと、スッと身を引くことができるようになってきた。諦めてしまったら“私らしさ”が損なわれるような気もして、なかなかできなかったことなのだが、少し大人になれたのだろうか。
　結果的に身を引いた方が、できなかった悔しさに打ちひしがれるよりも、ずっと気持ちが楽なことにも気づいてきた。振り返ると、私が相談してきてくれた人にとっての「ヒーロー」になるために、優しさの押し売りをしていた側面もあったように思う。つまり自分では相手のためにと思って取っていた行動が実は自分のためだったのかもしれない。そう思ったら、本当に私はどこまで自分中心な人間なんだろうと呆れてしまう。

　チャレンジ精神とか向上心のようなものを忘れてはいけないと思う。線引きが難しいが、そういう前向きな心と虚勢を張ることはまた別の話だと思う。私はそこを混同したまま良く考えもせず、感情の赴くままに突っ走ってきたように思えてきた。
　瞬時にカーッと熱くなってその勢いのまま物事にぶつかっていく姿勢は、私は嫌いではない。知識がどうの環境がこうのと言い訳している暇があったら、なりふり構わず全力で体当たりする生き方もカッコいい。それで結局うまくいかなくて砕け散って泣き叫ぶのも、私はありだと思う。そういう熱い魂のようなものが苦境を打開するきっかけになることもあるのではないか。ただ、そこに「自己満足」のためにという欲望が一番根底にあるのだとしたら、何だか興ざめする気分だ。

　一つ一つの行動を分析して、自分自身で納得がいく行動を自然に取れる大人になりたいと思っている。だから今日のような、自分の「欲望」と「向上心」の違いに気づいたことはとても収穫だと思う。確かに良いことなのだが、私の心のどこかで「オレはそんなに物分かりが良い人間ではない」と叫ぶ声が聞こえる。私はもっと乱雑な人間で、出来事を検証・反省して正しいと判断した道だけをまっすぐに進めるような、そんな自制心が強い優等生では決してない。
　現実の本音と理想の間で、葛藤が見られるようだ。考えてみればいつもそんな感じだった気もする。でも考え続けることは続けていきたいと本当に思っている。伴う苦しみには覚悟して立ち向かっていかなければならない。そこは何とか頑張って、本当の自分を探し、近づいていきたい。

　何でもかんでも手を出すのは、もうやめる

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Self-satisfaction and ambition

　When I am asked to do something, I am the type of person who cannot refuse. If it is something that I can solve by myself, such as something I have done before, then I am not stingy and will do whatever it takes to help. However, in my case, I have a bad habit of taking on things that are beyond my ability or knowledge and beyond my control. If it is something that can be solved only by laughing about it, I am only embarrassed, but that is not always the case.
　But this is often not the case. I feel that “since you went to the trouble of asking me for advice,” and I end up overreacting. The worst result is that I am of no help at all, and I end up wasting their precious time during the trial-and-error process. I feel really uncomfortable when that happens. I feel like I’m meddling in their affairs when I could have just left it alone.

　But recently, perhaps because I am getting older, I have become much more self-effacing. I’ve learned to take it easy and to back off when I don’t feel like I can be of any help. It was difficult for me to do this, because I felt that giving up would spoil my “me-ness,” but I wonder if I have become a little more mature.
　I have also come to realize that it is much easier to step aside as a result than to be overwhelmed by the frustration of not being able to do so. In retrospect, I think there was an aspect in which I was trying to be a “hero” to the person who came to me for advice by pushing kindness on him or her. In other words, the actions I was taking for the other person’s benefit may have actually been for my own benefit. When I think about it, I am stunned at how self-centered I really am.

　I think we must not forget things like the spirit of challenge and ambition. It’s hard to draw a line, but I think such a positive mindset and being conceited are two different things. I have been confusing the two and have been rushing forward as my emotions dictate, without thinking it through.
　I don’t dislike the attitude of instantly becoming passionate and running into things with the same momentum. It is also cool to live a life where you don’t have time to make excuses about your knowledge or the environment, but rather just go all out and hit things with all your might. I think it is also cool to cry and scream when things don’t work out in the end. Such a passionate spirit can be a catalyst to break through a difficult situation. However, if the desire for “self-satisfaction” is at the root of it all, I feel somewhat dismayed.

　I want to become an adult who can analyze each action and naturally take actions that make sense to me. That is why I think it is very beneficial to have realized the difference between my “desire” and my “ambition,” as I did today. It is certainly a good thing, but somewhere in my mind I hear a voice screaming, “I am not that understanding of things. I am a more disorganized person, and I am by no means such a self-controlled honor student who can examine and reflect on events and only go straight down the path that I judge to be the right one.
　I seem to see a conflict between my true feelings of reality and my ideals. When I think about it, I feel like I was always like that. But I really want to keep thinking about it. I have to be prepared to face the suffering that comes with it. I want to do my best there somehow, to find and get closer to my true self.

　I’m going to stop trying to get my hands on everything.