涙が止まらなくてどうしようもなかったという経験が、私には2回ある。涙が“こぼれる”程度のことは頻繁にある。歳を取ってきたせいか、最近では一人でテレビや映画などを見ていても、あっさりと涙腺が緩むようになってきた。本当にちょっとしたことで涙が頬をつたい、特に礼拝で賛美歌を歌っているときに何故かこみ上げてきて、歌えなくなってしまうことが多い。これには非常に困っている。
しかし今日は“こぼれる”程度ではなく、何かのきっかけで私が泣き出し、泣いている間にドンドン気持ちが高まってきて、恐らく2分とか3分とかの時間を、いやもっと長かったかもしれないが、涙が止まらなかったという経験のことを話したいと思う。
それは高校1年生の夏、私はそのとき野球部に所属していたのだが、甲子園大会の地方予選の1回戦で敗退した後の控え室で、一緒に戦った3年生の先輩と抱き合っていたときのことだった。一生懸命に戦った結果、負けて悔しくて涙が出るのは分かる。頑張って練習を重ねた末に負けたのだから当然と言えるのかもしれない。少しくらい泣かせてあげても良いだろう。しかしその時の私の泣き方はその程度のものではなく、尋常ではなかった。負けたこと以外の原因があったことは間違いない。
その時から遡ること約4ヶ月前、私は高校受験に失敗して、仕方なく私の高校に入学した。私が落ちた第一志望の高校は私が住んでいる地域では名門と言われる高校で、私の祖父も父も伯父も従兄弟も、親戚の男性ほとんどがその名門校を卒業していた。いつしか私もその高校に入るのが当然のような気持ちになっていて、あまり深く考えもせずにその名門校の入学試験を受け、結果落ちてしまった。何も考えていなかったにも関わらず、落ちたショックは極めて大きかった。人生で初の「挫折」と言える。私は中学の時の成績は決して悪くはなく、生徒会長もしていたので、天狗になっていたのだと思う。心が隙だらけだった。
しかし高校受験に失敗したばかりの子どもに、そんな達観するような視点から自分を見つめ直すことができるはずもなく、ただひたすらふて腐れていた。滑り止めの私の高校に入学したあとも立ち直れず、誰ともコミュニケーションを取ろうとしなかった。皆がバカに見えた。私の心は孤立し、そのままドンドンと暗闇に沈んでいった。
その子どもなりにどん底を味わっていた頃、私を救ってくれたのが野球部の皆だった。私がバカだと見下していた連中に助けられたのだ。バカは私だった。膨れっ面の私を受け入れ、一緒に汗を流していく中で、皆が私の頑なな心を溶かしてくれたのだった。本当に優しい良い奴らばかりで、今でも心から感謝している。もっとも連中は私を救ったというような、そんなつもりは全くなかったとは思うが。
私の涙が止まらなかったのは、その瞬間、様々な思いが入り交じったからだと思う。こんな素晴らしい仲間たちを見下していた自分を情けなく思う気持ちと、そんな無礼な私を受け入れてくれた皆への感謝、そしてその4ヶ月ほどの長い時間、苦しみの中でよく耐え凌いだ自分への慰めの気持ちでグチャグチャになり、わけが分からなくなっていたのだと思う。それが涙となって現れたのだと、今思っている。
いい涙だった。人には泣いても良いときがあるのだと思う。「人間て、こんなに泣けるものなんだ？！」とビックリするほど泣けたあの日、たぶん私は大きな一歩を踏み出した。
2回目の話は、またいつか
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I have had two experiences where I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t help it. The degree to which tears “spill” is frequent. Perhaps it’s because I’m getting older, but these days, even when I watch TV or films alone, I find that my tear-jerking easily slows down. Tears often run down my cheeks at the slightest thing, especially when I sing hymns at worship services, and for some reason, I often find myself unable to sing. I am very troubled by this.
Today, however, I would like to talk about an experience where I started crying, not to the point of “spilling”, but for some reason, and while I was crying, my feelings started to rise and I probably cried for two or three minutes, or maybe longer, but I couldn’t stop crying. I would like to tell you about an experience that made me cry.
It was in the summer of my first year of high school, when I was on the baseball team, and in the waiting room after losing in the first round of the regional qualifiers for the Koshien Tournament, I was hugging a third-year senior who had fought with me. I know how it feels to cry because you fought so hard and were frustrated at losing. It may be natural for them to cry because they had practised hard and lost. It would have been okay to let them cry a little. However, the way I cried at that time was not like that, it was unusual. There is no doubt that there was a cause other than losing.
About four months back from that time, I had no choice but to enter my high school after failing the high school entrance exam. The first choice high school I failed was a prestigious high school in my area, and my grandfather, father, uncles, cousins and most of my male relatives had graduated from that prestigious school. Somewhere along the way, I also felt that it was natural for me to enter that high school, so I took the entrance exam for that prestigious school without thinking too much about it, and as a result, I failed. Despite the fact that I did not think anything of it, the shock of failing was extremely great. I can say that it was the first ‘setback’ in my life. My grades in junior high school were not bad, and I was also the student council president, so I think I had become an idiot. My mind was full of gaps.
But as a child who had just failed the high school entrance examinations, I couldn’t look at myself from such a masterful perspective, so I just slumped down. Even after entering my high school, which was a slip-up, he never recovered and didn’t try to communicate with anyone. Everyone seemed like an idiot. My heart was isolated and went straight down into the darkness.
When I was at rock bottom in my own childish way, it was the members of the baseball team who saved me. The people I had looked down on as idiots had saved me. I was the idiot. They accepted me for the puffed-up person I was, and as we sweated together, they melted my stubborn heart. They were all really nice, kind people, and I am still sincerely grateful to them. I don’t think they had any intention of saving me, though.
I think the reason I couldn’t stop crying was because at that moment I had a mixture of feelings. I felt ashamed of myself for looking down on such wonderful friends, I was grateful to everyone for accepting me in such a rude way, and I felt comforted by the fact that I had endured so much pain for such a long time, about four months, that I was at a loss for words. I now believe that this manifested itself in tears.
They were good tears. I think there are times when it is okay for people to cry. I was surprised at how much people can cry. And that day, when I was able to cry so much that I was surprised, I probably took a big step forward.
I’ll tell you about the second one some other time.