10年間、毎日日記をつけているという人に出会った。いろいろあって、1行しか書けない日もあったそうだが、でも毎日10年間。凄いと思った。私は書き始めて2年半になるが、10年と聞くと本当に気が遠くなる。どれだけ頑張ってこられたのだろう。
その方は性格的にあまり人間関係が上手にできるタイプではないそうで、悩みも多いとの事。それでも自分で書く日記が支えてきてくれたような感じだそうだ。まだまだ経験が浅い私ではあるが、その言葉がとても身に沁みた。本当にそうなんだろうと思う。
「あれもしたい、これもやらなければダメだ」等と気は逸るけれど、今現実にできていることをしっかり自分の誇りとして生きていくこともまた大切に感じる。他人と比べれば、私などはできていないことだらけ。でも自分を責めることはちょっとお休みにして、自分を褒めることも学んでいきたい。そもそも自分と誰かを比べる必要なんてないではないか。
幸せを感じることは簡単にできることではないのかもしれない。自分で幸せになろうと頑張っても、空回りして上手くいかないこともある。幸せとは、ひた向きに毎日を過ごすことで、ある日突然気づくもののようにも感じる。様々な事柄や欲望に翻弄されて、私は日々の幸せをなかなか感じることができない。それが私の現実である。
怠惰な自分との闘いはこれからも続くだろう。私は自分の事をこのままでいいとは思わない。向上心を持ち続けたいと思う。ただ、日々の生命に感謝することを忘れてはならない。神さまが私に与えて下さっている私の生命の意味を見出していきたい。試みようとしている自分を誇りに覚えながら。
10年は、無理だな～
//////////////////////////
I met a person who has kept a diary every day for 10 years. He said there were days when he could only write one line due to various reasons, but he kept a diary every day for 10 years. I thought it was amazing. It has been two and a half years since I started writing, but when I hear that it has been 10 years, I feel really overwhelmed. I wonder how hard he has been working.
I heard that he is not the type of person who can relate well with others, and that he has a lot of problems. Even so, he feels as if the diary he writes himself has been supporting him. Although I am still inexperienced, his words really sunk in. I think it must be true.
I feel that it is important to live with pride in what I am actually able to do now, even though I get distracted by the thought of “I want to do this, I have to do that, and I have to do this. Compared to others, there are many things I have not done. But I want to take a break from beating myself up and learn to praise myself. There is no need to compare myself with others.
Maybe feeling happiness is not an easy thing to do. Even if you try your best to be happy, it may not work out because you are spinning out of control. I feel that happiness is something that one day you suddenly realize as you go about your daily life. I am at the mercy of various things and desires, and it is difficult for me to feel happiness every day. That is my reality.
The struggle against my laziness will continue. I don’t think I want to continue to be as I am. I want to keep improving. I just have to remember to be thankful for life every day. I want to find the meaning of my life that God has given me. While remembering with pride that I am trying.
Ten years is not going to happen~.