先週は少し忙しかったのでこの2連休は休息に努めた。家から出ずにゆっくりさせてもらったお陰で、だいぶリカバリーできたように思う。やはり休みは大切で、仕事を頑張るのも結構だが体調を見ながら無理にならないようにやっていきたい。それができればまた頑張れる。私は性格的に「気合を入れれば何でもできる」と勘違いしがちなので、気を付けなければならない。無理が利かなくなってきている事実を認めていかなければ。

　そうなってくると、力と時間の配分にも気を使うようになってくる。会議や研修などは自分でどうにかするのは難しいが、ソロ仕事に関してはなるべく無駄な作業を少なくして、効率よくこなしていくことが求められる。後回しにできることは余裕のある時にするようにして、バランスを取っていく。忙しい時はやはりテンションを上げてやらざるを得ない場合が多く、しかし一日中は続かないので、優先順位をつけて一番集中できる時間帯に厄介な仕事に取り組めるように段取る。私の場合は午前中が最も仕事が進む。最近は体力的な問題で、本当にそういったやり方の工夫が必要になってきた。まぁ、悪いことではないと思う。

　そういう意味では力が抜けてきたのかもしれない。以前は手を抜いて良いところと悪いところが見極められず、とにかく何でも一生懸命やっていたかと思う。「これはこうでなくてはならない」みたいな強情なところがあって、結果は同じなのにプロセスにこだわり過ぎて、余計なエネルギーを使うことが多かった。自分にしか違いが見分けられないような些細なことでも、自分のやり方でやらないと気が済まず、無駄に自己満足の世界に酔いしれていたように思う。
　職人気質も結構だが、それで疲労し次への意欲を保てないようでは元も子もない。そもそも職人技と言えるまでの研ぎ澄まされた技術や芸術性が求められる仕事は、私は残念ながら請け負ったことはない。

　私は熱しやすく冷めやすい性格で、一度のめり込むことトコトンやることはやるが、一段落すると気が済んでしまうことが多い。だから一つのことを職人と言われるレベルまで磨き上げたことはなく、偉そうなことが言えないのも残念ながら事実だ。反対にそんなレベルでよくここまでやって来られたなと、我ながら感心してしまう。
　しかしそんな私でも、私なりに色々潜り抜けて経験してきたからこそ、“無駄”に気付けたとも言える。そういう試行錯誤しながら必死にもがいていた頃は、やはり幸せだった。あの頃に戻りたいとは全く思わないけれど、今そういう時間を過ごしている若い人たちをみると、「大変だろうな～」と同情しつつ、どこかで羨ましい気持ちになる。
　人生を振り返るには年齢的にまだ少々早いかなと思うが、「仕事歴」に関しては終盤に入ってきたと思っている。老け込むつもりは毛頭ないし、新しい何かチャンスがあれば挑戦したい意欲も満々だ。ただ知らぬ間に色々そぎ落とされ、仕事に対する考え方や取り組み方が以前より相当変化していることに気づいているというお話。

　“がむしゃら”だったね～

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Ascertainment

　Last week was a bit busy, so I made an effort to rest over the past two holidays. I think I was able to recover a lot thanks to being able to take it easy without leaving the house. I think it is important to take time off, and while it is fine to work hard, I would like to do so in a way that is not too strenuous, while keeping an eye on my physical condition. If I can do that, I can work hard again. I have to be careful because my personality tends to make me mistakenly believe that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I must acknowledge the fact that I am becoming less and less able to push myself.

　When that happens, I will have to be more careful in allocating my strength and time. It is difficult to manage meetings and trainings by myself, but as far as solo work is concerned, I need to be as efficient as possible, with as little unnecessary work as possible. We try to balance things that can be put off until later, when we can afford to do them. When I am busy, I often have to work at a high level of intensity, but it does not last all day, so I prioritize and arrange to tackle the most difficult tasks at the time when I can concentrate the most. In my case, I work best in the morning. Recently, due to physical problems, I really need to devise such a way of doing things. Well, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

　Maybe in that sense I’ve lost some of my strength. In the past, I used to try very hard to do everything without being able to tell where I could cut corners and where I couldn’t. But now, I’m really trying to do my best. I had a stubborn “this is the way it has to be” attitude, and I was too focused on the process, even though the result was the same, and I often used unnecessary energy. Even in trivial matters where only I could tell the difference, I would feel uncomfortable unless I did things my own way, and I would get intoxicated in a world of unnecessary self-satisfaction.
　Craftsmanship is fine, but it is a waste of time and energy if it makes you tired and does not keep you motivated to move on to the next project. Unfortunately, I have never undertaken any work that required a level of skill or artistry that could be described as craftsmanship.

　I am easily heated and easily cooled, and once I get into something, I will do it to the last drop of blood, but when it is over, I am often done with it. I have never been able to refine a single skill to the level of a craftsman, and unfortunately, I cannot speak highly of myself. On the contrary, I am amazed at how I have made it this far at such a level.
　However, I can say that even I have been able to recognize “futility” because I have gone through various experiences in my own way. I was happy when I was struggling desperately through such trial and error. I have no desire to go back to those days, but when I look at young people who are spending such time now, I feel sympathy for them and envy them at the same time.
　I think it is still a little early to look back on my life, but as far as my “work history” is concerned, I think I am entering the final stages. I have no intention of growing old, and I am eager to take on new opportunities as they arise. However, I have noticed that I have unknowingly lost a lot of things and my way of thinking and approach to work has changed considerably from before.

　I was a “reckless,” wasn’t I?