先日お年寄りに対する見方が変わってきたと書いた。教会やキリスト教関係の集会などにおいて、他の信徒の方たちと交わりを持つ中で、芽生えてきた尊敬の念。謙虚さだったり感謝の気持ちだったり、教会にいらっしゃる高齢の方々からは本当に学ぶことが多い。しかしふと考えてみると、そのほとんどの高齢者の方々は女性だ。私も男性なわけだが、そう言えば、牧師は別として、いろいろな教会にいる年配の男性で、イキイキしていらっしゃるような方はあまり見かけない。私が所属している小さな教会ではいない。何だか寂しい気持ちになる。

　一般的に男性の高齢者の場合は、口数が少なく感情を表に出さない方が多いように思う。会社で働いているいわゆる現役の時は、同僚や取引相手先などとそれなりに交流しなければいけないわけで、嫌でも自分を殺して“演じる”必要がある場合が多かったかもしれない。定年や何かの理由で働くことを引退した後は、無理をしてまで演じる必要はなくなる。素の自分でいられるわけだ。
　仕事を通したからこその付き合いが多く、引退すれば他者との繋がりが薄れていく。一生懸命に働いた人ほど、引退して生きる目的を失ってしまったような気持ちになる傾向は強いのかもしれない。あくまでもステレオタイプ的な男性高齢者に対する印象だが、私にはそうなることが手に取るようにイメージできる。心を傾けて頑張れる対象を失ったのだろうと思うと、寡黙になるのも理解でき、何だか可哀そうになってくる。本人たちにしてみれば、大きなお世話なのかもしれないが。

　家族に対しても、自分が家で一緒に過ごす時間が長くなって、どうしたらいいのか分からなくなる人が多いのかもしれない。何を話したらいいのか分からない。家族なのに何だか遠慮してしまう。家の中で自分の居場所が見つけられないということはあるんだと思う。
　最初は楽になって解放感を味わうのかもしれないが、1年もすれば飽きてしまうだろう。結局暇を持て余すようになる。新しい友人を探そうにも見つけ方が分からない。仕事じゃないから、声のかけ方が分からない。今さら「初めまして」と、見知らぬ誰かとゼロから関係を築いていくことも面倒臭い。そうやって徐々に“引きこもり”のような状態に陥っていく。う～ん、自分の未来を見るようで非常に想像しやすい。

　そういう私にとっては身近な、「定年後のおじさんたちの姿」。それが見えてしまったから恐くなって、私が教会やボランティア活動を始めて訳では決してない。順番としてはまず人と人の中で生きようと決心し、飛び込んでみた結果、周りの人々の様子を落ち着いて見られるようになっていった。もう一度「人」そのものに興味を持てるように戻ってこられたという事だと思う。
　私はそんな寂しい老後を迎えるつもりはない。突然病気で倒れる可能性を否定はできないが、本気で死ぬまで現役でいたいと思っている。新しい他人と関係性を築けるかどうかは、結局自分のプライドも問題であろう。年齢は関係ない。会社などの肩書が外れた後は、誰もが一人の人間だ。私は心を開いて、基本的にはどんな人とでも笑顔で話ができるじじいになりたい。クリスチャンになってからは特に、それが少しできるようになってきた。

　そういう人、多いと思う

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Beyond the Twilight

　The other day I wrote that my view of the elderly has changed. I have developed a new respect for them through fellowship with other believers at churches and Christian meetings. I have learned a lot about humility, gratitude, and other things from the elderly people in my church. However, when I think about it, most of these elderly people are women. I am a man myself, and come to think of it, aside from the pastor, I don’t see many older men in various churches who seem to be full of vitality. I don’t see any in the small church I belong to. It makes me feel somewhat sad.

　Generally speaking, I think that elderly men tend to be quiet and not show their emotions. When they are working in a company, they have to interact with their colleagues and business partners in a certain way, and they may have to “act” as if they are not themselves, even if they do not want to do so. After retirement or retirement from work for some other reason, there is no longer a need to force yourself to act the part. You can be your true self.
　We have many relationships because of our work, and once we retire, our connections with others will diminish. Perhaps those who have worked hard are more likely to retire and feel as if they have lost their purpose in life. This is just a stereotypical impression of male elderly people, but I can picture this happening to them in my mind’s eye. I can understand why they become taciturn and feel sorry for them when I think that they have lost something to which they can devote their hearts and efforts. I feel sorry for them, though.

　For their families, many of them may not know what to do with themselves as they spend more time at home with them. They don’t know what to talk about. They feel somewhat reserved even though they are family. I think it’s possible that they can’t find their place in the house.
　At first, they may feel at ease and enjoy a sense of freedom, but after a year, they will probably get tired of it. Eventually you will have too much free time on your hands. You don’t know how to find new friends. They don’t know how to talk to others because it’s not their job any more. It would be tedious to build a relationship with a stranger from scratch, saying, “It’s nice to meet you. In this way, they gradually fall into a state like that of a “hermit. Well, it is very easy for me to imagine my own future.

　This is a familiar image to me, the image of “retired uncles. It is not that I started church or volunteer activities because I became afraid of them because I could see them. In turn, I decided to live among people first, and as a result of diving in, I began to calmly see the people around me. I think it means that I was able to come back to be interested in “people” themselves once again.
　I do not intend to have such a lonely old age. I cannot deny the possibility that I may suddenly fall ill, but I really want to stay active until I die. Whether or not I can build relationships with new strangers will be a matter of pride in the end. Age is irrelevant. After titles such as company are removed, everyone is a person. I want to be an open-minded old man who can basically smile and talk with anyone. Especially since I became a Christian, I can do that a little bit.

　I think there are a lot of people like that.