私は生理的に、ただれた様な細かく不規則に凹凸している面が嫌いで、見るとゾクゾクっとして鳥肌が立つ。それが今、私の体表のいたるところにできてしまっている。じんましんと言っていいだろう。非常に痒く、辛い。我慢できなく、ボリボリと肌に穴が開くほど、過激に掻いてしまっている。加えて自分の腕や胴体を見ただけで気持ち悪く感じてしまうという、かなり追い詰められた状態。正直、参っている。

　主に背中全体に原因不明の湿疹ができ、2月21日（水）に初めて町医者にかかった。少し前にも書いたが、当初にできていたその湿疹は比較的短い間に治り喜んでいたのだが、別の新しい湿疹が出てき始めていた。薬が私の体に合わなかったのかもしれない。そこで薬を変え2週間ほど様子を見ることにした。
　そして今日に至る。結果的に、ほぼ全身にじんましんが拡がった。上半身は後ろ頭や首も含めてほぼ全面。左腕が一番酷い。夏じゃなくて良かった。顔も両こめかみとその下辺りがきている。下半身は上半身ほどではないにしろ、両足が侵食された。お尻はいわゆる臀部だけでなく、肛門に近い部分にまで湿疹ができている。素っ裸になって少し前かがみになり、姿見でお尻を映しながら、湿疹へ向けてそっと塗り薬を塗った指先を伸ばす。情けなくて、泣きたくなる。悲しい。

　一ヵ月以上の間、町の皮膚科に通い続けてこの結果では、納得がいかない。週に一回の通院を欠かさず守り、また医者の指示通りに薬を服用し、塗り薬も家族に背中を頼むなどして塗ってきた。お金も時間も使ってこのざまでは、温厚な私でもさすがに憤りを感じてくる。
　意を決して今日、その皮膚科へ行ってきた。言うべきことは言わなければならない。話の展開によっては、別の医者を当たることも考えていた。今までのそのお医者さんの話し方や私への接し方に問題はない。偉そうな雰囲気はなく、恐らく私よりも少し年下のせいか、いつも丁寧に応対してくれていた。簡単な皮膚の構造を説明しながら私の状態を説明してくれたり、血液検査を進めてくれたり、悪い印象は全くない。ただ、肝心の病状が悪化の一途をたどっていた。

　結論を言うと、また飲み薬・塗り薬共に、種類を変えてみることになった。それで改善の兆しが見えなければ、基幹病院への紹介状を書いてくれるそうだ。私もそれで納得できた。
　その皮膚科はいつ行っても混んでいて、一人の患者に割ける時間は本当に短い。看護婦さんたちは常に忙しそうに働いている。今日私の担当に当たった看護婦さんが、少しでも早く患者を捌こうと、私と医者の会話に口を挟んできて、私を別の治療室にしつこく誘おうとする。正直、非常にウザかった。私は内心ムッとしていたが、そこは自分を抑えて、彼女を無言のまま右の手のひらだけで2度制し医者との会話を続けた。医者も、私の精神的に参っているという切実な訴えを受け止めてくれていた。次がダメなら手紙を書くと言ってくれたこともそうだが、次々に訪れる患者の列を差し置いて、僅かだとしても私に時間を割いてくれたその医者の態度にも私が納得できたという事だと思う。
　小さい事だけれども、人生、いろいろある。小さな事だとしても、私が一つ一つ誠実に対応して積み重ねていく。今日一日を大切に生きようではないか。

　かいいよ～

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I am overwhelmed.

　I physiologically dislike sore-like surfaces that are finely and irregularly uneven. I get chills and goosebumps when I look at them. I guess you could call them hives. It is very itchy and painful. I can’t stand it, and I’m scratching so radically that I’m getting holes in my skin. In addition, just looking at my arms and torso makes me feel sick, and I am in a very trapped state. Frankly, I am overwhelmed.

　I went to the town doctor for the first time on Wednesday, February 21, mainly because of an unexplained eczema on my entire back. As I mentioned a while ago, I was happy that the initial eczema had healed in a relatively short period of time, but another new eczema had started to appear. Perhaps the medication did not suit my body. So the doctor decided to change the medication and see how it goes for a couple of weeks.
　And here we are today. As a result, the hives spread to almost my entire body. Almost all over my upper body, including the back of my head and neck. The left arm is the worst. I am glad it was not summer. Both temples and the lower part of my face are also affected. The lower half of my body is not as bad as the upper half, but both legs have been affected. My buttocks are covered with eczema, not only in the so-called buttocks, but also in the area near the anus. I stripped naked and bent over a little, looking at the reflection of my buttocks in the mirror, and gently reached out my ointmented fingertips toward the eczema. I feel so miserable, I want to cry. Sad.

　After more than a month of visits to the local dermatologist, this result is unsatisfactory. I have been going to the clinic once a week without fail, taking the medicine as instructed by the doctor, and asking my family members to put the medicine on my back. I am a mild-mannered person, but even I am starting to feel resentful after spending so much money and time on this.
　I decided to go to the dermatologist today. I had to say what I needed to say. Depending on how the story unfolded, I was thinking of seeing a different doctor. There is nothing wrong with the way the doctor has been talking to me and treating me. He did not have a pompous air about him, perhaps because he was a little younger than me, and he was always polite to me. He would explain my condition with simple illustrations of skin structure, proceeded with blood tests, and gave me no bad impression at all. However, the important thing was that my medical condition was getting worse.

　To sum up, they decided to change the type of both oral and ointment medication again. If there was no sign of improvement, the doctor would write a letter of referral to the main hospital. That made sense to me.
　The dermatology clinic was always crowded, and the time allotted to each patient was very short. The nurses are always busy. The nurse who was assigned to me today, in an attempt to process patients as quickly as possible, interrupted my conversation with the doctor and persistently tried to get me to go to another treatment room. Frankly, it was extremely annoying. I was inwardly miffed, but I restrained myself there, and silently controlled her twice with just my right palm, and continued my conversation with the doctor. The doctor was receptive to my earnest plea that I was having a mental breakdown. I think it was not only the fact that he said he would write me a letter if the next one didn’t work out, but also the fact that he took time out of his busy schedule to see me, even if it was only for a few minutes, that convinced me of his attitude.
　It may be a small thing, but there are many things in life. Even if it is a small thing, I will deal with it one by one with sincerity and accumulate them. Let’s cherish every day of our lives.

　I have an itch!