「追い込まれるとよく働く」ということは、やっぱりある。追い込まれる前にちゃんと計画を立てその予定通りにこなしていくことがベストだし、それが“プロ”ってもんだと思うが、実際そうは上手くできないのが私の“普通”になってしまっている。大型連休ということで、スタッフはみんな休みたいだろうし、印刷所はもちろん休みだし、私もできればやりかけの仕事を残さずにスッキリした気持ちで連休を過ごしたい。
そういう気持ちが私を突き動かしたのか、この連休前は我ながら別人かと思うくらい仕事がはかどった。「どうしちゃったの?」と自分に聞いてみたくなるくらい頑張ることができた。PRビデオのシナリオ原稿を書いていたのだが、自分でも疲れて消耗しているのが分かっているのに、何かに取り憑かれたように私は黙々と書き続けていた。それをもう一人の自分が少し離れて見つめている感じ。久しぶりのあの感覚が戻ってきた。
“おまけに”と言っては語弊があるが、休みに入る前日は帰宅後も何だか胸に燃えるものが残っていて、その日のうちに次の日のブログも書き上げてしまった。PCに向かって座って作業していただけなのに、終わってみるとハァハァと肩で息をしていたことに気づいた。いわゆる「ゾーン」に入った状態だったかもしれない。
そんな感じだったので一段落して日付が変わる頃になると、もう疲れてベッドに倒れ込むように横になった。翌日から休みなので早起きする必要がなく、もったいないから海外ドラマの一本くらい観ようかとも思ったが、もうちょっと限界だった。
ところが目をつぶっても眠ることができない。眠るどころか、目を閉じると頭の中がグルングルンとすごい速さで回っているような錯覚を覚えた。イメージというか、何と言うか、こう何かのビジュアルがサブリミナル的に次々と現れ続けるような感じ。「頭が冴えて眠れない」とはこのことを言うのかとも思ったが、やっぱりちょっと違って、自分の言葉で表すと、「悪夢」が一番伝わるかなと思う。「眠りたいのだけれど、悪夢にうなされて眠れず、苦しくて吐き気を催す」といった状況だった。
「クールダウン」の必要性はスポーツの世界でよく知られていると思う。試合等に出場してどんなに疲労した後でも、少し身体を動かしたり、マッサージしたりして筋肉をほぐすことは、もはや“試合の一部”と言えるくらい大切な作業だ。
脳にも同様のことが言えるのかと思った。今回このような“悪夢”に襲われて(しかし恐らく30分くらいの話で、それほど大事ではないのかもしれない)、やっぱりいい気持ちはしなかった。正直ちょっと恐くもなった。前にも同じようなことが何度かあったが、今回が一番長く、酷かったと思う。結果、翌朝の寝覚めも当然のように良くない。
そういう時の為に、脳のクールダウンの方法を何か考えておこうかと思う。緊張が解けるような、気持ちが落ち着けるような、癒されるような何かを。眠ることが一番だとは思うが、より良い眠りに繋がる私なりの方法を見つけよう。
辛いんだよね~
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Cool Down
It is true that people work better when they are pushed into a corner. I think it is best to make a proper plan before being pushed into a corner and to do things according to that plan, and I think that is what a “professional” does, but in reality, I am not able to do so well, and it has become my “normal. I know that everyone on staff will want to take the vacations off, and of course the printing house will be closed, and I, too, want to spend the holidays feeling refreshed and free of unfinished work.
Perhaps it was this feeling that drove me to work so hard before the holidays that I felt as if I were a different person. It was as if I wanted to ask myself, “What’s wrong with me?” I was writing a scenario for a PR video, and even though I knew I was tired and worn out, I kept writing silently, as if I was possessed by something. I felt like another self was watching me from a little distance. It was the first time in a long time that I had that feeling again.
It’s a bit of a misnomer to say “on top of that,” but the day before I went on vacation, there was still something burning in my heart after I got home. I was so exhausted that I sat down at the computer and worked on my blog for the next day, but when I was done, I found myself huffing and puffing and breathing on my shoulders. I may have been in the so-called “zone.
So when the day was about to end and the date was about to change, I was so tired that I collapsed into bed and lay down. Since I had a day off the next day, there was no need to get up early. I thought about watching at least one foreign drama, which would be a waste of time, but I was already at my limit.
However, even with my eyes closed, I could not fall asleep. Instead of falling asleep, I felt as if my head was spinning around and around at great speed when I closed my eyes. It was as if images, or whatever you want to call them, kept appearing one after another in a subliminal way. I thought this was what it meant to be “light-headed and unable to sleep,” but it was not quite the same thing. It’s still a little different, and I think “nightmare” is the best way to describe it in my own words. I wanted to go to sleep, but the nightmares kept me awake and made me feel nauseous.
The necessity of “cool down” is well known in the world of sports. No matter how tired you are after competing in a game, it is so important to relax your muscles by moving your body or massaging your muscles a little.
I wondered if the same could be said for the brain. Having such a “nightmare” this time (but it was probably only for about 30 minutes, so it may not be that important), I still did not feel good about it. To be honest, I was a little scared. I’ve had similar experiences before, but I think this was the longest and most severe. As a result, I didn’t wake up the next morning as I should have.
I think I should think of some way to cool down my brain for those times. Something that will release tension, calm my mind, and heal me. Sleep is the best thing I can do, but I’ll find my own way that leads to better sleep.
It was just so hard for me!