私は今56歳で、ちょうど40年前は高校1年生だった。私の高校はプロテスタント系のキリスト教の考え方を教育の基本に据えた、いわゆるミッションスクールだった。私は第1志望の公立高校に受験で失敗し、仕方なくそのミッション高校へ入学することになった。入学後も志望校に入れなかった失意から立ち直れず、学校がしばらく好きになれなかった。いつも膨れっ面で、近寄りづらい雰囲気を恐らく出していたと思う。嫌なヤツだ。実際に吹っ切れてきたのは1年生時の後半に入ってからだったと思う。
　この高校では週に一度、「聖書」の授業があり、そこで生まれて初めて聖書に触れた。牧師の資格を持った宗教主任の先生がいたり、先生の中にもクリスチャンが何人もいたりと、とにかくキリスト教というものに初めて遭遇したのが高校の時だった。あれから40年、私はようやく洗礼を受けようとしている。

　この高校時代の2、3年生の時の担任に、私は多大な影響を受けた。敬虔なクリスチャンで、またとても頭の良さを感じさせる方だった。彼の揺るぎのない強い信念は、本気で向き合わないと、こちらが“やられる”ような緊張感を醸し出していた。どちらかと言えば“近寄りがたい”印象がある先生だっただろうか。
　この人のような人間になりたいと思ったが、知れば知るほどちょっと格が違いすぎて、追いつきようがないと悟った。もしかしたら私は先生という職業に就きたかったかもしれないが、「この人のようには成れない」と諦めたことを憶えている。超えなくとも、この人のレベルに達しなければ、先生になる資格はないと思ってしまった。言うまでもないが、そんなことがあるはずもなかったのだが……。人生の一つの分かれ道だったと思う。私にとっては、それくらい忘れられない先生だった。

　8年くらい前に同窓会でこの先生とお会いする機会に恵まれた。卒業後30年余り、何度かチラッとお見かけしたことはあったが、じっくりお話しするのはこの時が初めてだった。近寄りがたいと思っていたせいか、在学時にもそれほど長い時間お話しした憶えはなく、もしかしたら初めてだったかもしれない。この時に3時間以上2人だけでお話しさせてもらい、「ああ、やっぱりこの人だ。もうこの人を離してはいけない」と決心した。誰だか予想もできなかったが、待ちわびていた人がやっと私の前に姿を現したような感動があった。その2ヶ月後くらいにこの先生を中心とした聖書研究会を始めた。私が先生に頼み込んで、月に一度開催してもらえることになった。それこそ、考える前に行動した成果だった。
　考えてみると、この聖書研究会を始めたときに、私はクリスチャンになることを決めていたように思う。当時の状態では、知識も精神も、全てに関してクリスチャンになるには不充分だったので、すぐに洗礼というわけにはいかなかったが、覚悟を固める過程は始まっていたんだと思う。

　それにも関わらず、洗礼を受けると決意するまで8年間かかったのだ。何というゆったりとした時間の使い方だろう。効率化が重要視される時代の流れには全く逆行している。しかし私にはそれだけの時間が必要だった。今、時が満ちようとしている。のろまな私らしい結果でもある。これからは神さまを信じて生きていこうと思う。

　（その2）へつづく

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Confession of Faith (Part 1)

　I am 56 years old now, and exactly 40 years ago I was a freshman in high school. My high school was a so-called mission school with Protestant Christianity as the basis of its education. I had no choice but to enroll in the mission high school after failing the entrance exam to the public high school of my first choice. After entering the school, I was still unable to recover from the disappointment of not getting into the school of my choice, and for a while I did not like the school. I think I was always puffed up and probably gave off an atmosphere that made it difficult to approach me. He was a jerk. I think it wasn’t until the second half of my freshman year that I actually started to get over it.
　The high school had a “Bible” class once a week, where I was exposed to the Bible for the first time in my life. There was a head religion teacher who was a licensed pastor, and some of the teachers were Christians, so anyway, it was in high school that I encountered Christianity for the first time. Forty years later, I am finally about to be baptized.

　My second and third grade homeroom teachers in high school had a profound influence on me. He was a devout Christian and also a very intelligent man. His unwavering beliefs were so strong that if you didn’t take him seriously, he would “get you. If I had to guess, I would say that he gave the impression of being “unapproachable.
　I wanted to be like him, but the more I learned about him, the more I realized that he was a little too different from me and that there was no way I could catch up with him. Maybe I wanted to be a teacher, but I remember giving up the idea that I could never be like him. Even if I didn’t surpass him, I felt that if I didn’t reach his level, I wasn’t qualified to be a teacher. Needless to say, that was never going to happen. …… I think it was one of the turning points in my life. For me, he was such an unforgettable teacher.

　I had the privilege of meeting this teacher at a reunion about 8 years ago. It had been more than 30 years since I graduated, and although I had glimpsed him a few times, this was the first time I had a chance to talk with him at length. Perhaps because I thought he was unapproachable, I don’t remember talking to him for a long time even when I was still in school, and it might have been the first time. I had the opportunity to talk with him alone for more than three hours, and I thought to myself, “Oh, I knew it was him. I knew I had found the right person, and I couldn’t let him go. I had no idea who he was, but I was moved as if someone I had been waiting for had finally appeared in front of me. About two months later, I started a Bible study group led by this teacher. I asked him to hold it once a month, and he agreed. That was the result of acting before thinking.
　Thinking back, I think I had decided to become a Christian when I started this Bible study group. At that time, my knowledge and spirit were not sufficient to become a Christian in all respects, so I could not be baptized right away, but I think I had begun the process of strengthening my resolve.

　Nevertheless, it took me eight years to make up my mind to be baptized. What a leisurely use of time! It is completely contrary to the trend of the times, where efficiency is the most important thing. But I needed that much time. Now, time is coming to an end. It is also the result of my own laziness. From now on, I will live my life with faith in God.

　（Continue to (Part 2)