私は一対一の関係の作り方が苦手なのだと思う。まず相手を特定のカテゴリーに、はめ込みたがる傾向がある。友達、先輩・後輩、同僚、取引先の方等々、分け方は多種多様になるが、私の都合でどこかに所属してもらうと、接する態度を決めやすい。そうしないと相手との距離感が分からないのだ。
　例えば取引先の人と話す場合は、ある程度へりくだった丁寧な対応が必要であり、たとえ明らかに年下であっても“タメ口”は許されない。或いは初対面であっても、その人が同じ高校の同じ部活の出身だと分かれば随分と気が楽になる。誰でもしている普通の事だとは思うが、私はそういう「カテゴリー分け」というフィルターを一枚通すことで、相手との距離を確かめるというか、自分の態度を自然と決めているのだと思う。そうしないと不安で仕方がない。

　カテゴリー分けが功を奏す場合は多いが、私には悪く作用する場合もあるように思う。特に相手が私よりも目下の人の場合、その人が私の指示に従うことが当たり前のように思い、従わなかった時に怒りを覚え、横柄な態度を取ってしまうことがある。これは非常に良くない私の性質だ。
　軍隊的というか、規律に従わないような、よく言えば自由奔放な人たちを許せない気持ちになることが多い。軍隊であってもそんなパラーハラスメントまがいの事は許されるべきではない。私はどこか勘違いしているようだ。

　自分の目下の人たちを自分の所有物のように考え、扱ってしまうことが多い。私は幼い頃から妹や弟に対してそういう態度をずっと取ってきたのだと思う。酷い兄だった。絶対的な存在の父を恐れ続け、父にどこまでも従順だった私であれば、妹と弟に従属を強いたのは当然の成り行きだったのかもしれない。その頃の感覚が今も私という人間の基礎になっているのだろう。

　私はそういったカテゴリー分けがないと、人と上手く話ができない。カテゴリー分けに頼り切って、私は自立ができていないという証拠だと思う。肩書きを外した、生身の人間同士の会話が恐い。私はそういった、俗に言う「人間vs人間」の話し合いや関係づくりそのものに憧れている。年齢や性別、地位などを超越した領域での「絆」とも呼べる結びつきが築けたら、それは夢のように素晴らしいことだと思う。
　既存のカテゴリーに左右されない関係。それは自分の努力だけでは成し得ないものかもしれない。いずれにしても私が目に見えるものに惑わされず、自立した感覚を確立しなければ、何も始まらない話だと思う。自立するためにはどうしたら良いのだろう。人それぞれに歴史や生い立ちがあり、事情は様々だと思う。それらを全て引っ提げて、自立への道を探っていきたい。

　初対面の人が苦手なんだよね～

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Distance from People

　I think I am not very good at creating one-on-one relationships. First of all, I have a tendency to put the other person into a specific category. There are many different ways to divide people: friends, seniors, juniors, colleagues, business partners, etc. But if I have them belong somewhere for my own convenience, it is easy for me to determine my attitude toward them. Otherwise, I cannot know how close I am to the other person.
　For example, when talking to a business partner, you need to be polite and humble to a certain extent, and even if he or she is clearly younger than you, you are not allowed to “talk to him or her as if he or she were a friend. Or, even if you are meeting someone for the first time, you will feel much more comfortable if you know that the person you are talking to is from the same high school club. It is a normal thing that everyone does, but I think that by passing through such a filter of “categorization,” I am able to check the distance between me and the other person, or rather, I naturally determine my own attitude. If I don’t, I feel uneasy.

　In many cases the categorization works, but I think in some cases it works badly for me. Especially when the person I am dealing with is someone junior to me, I sometimes take it for granted that he or she will follow my instructions, and when he or she does not, I get angry and become arrogant. This is my nature which is not very good.
　I often feel that I cannot tolerate people who are military-like, or at best, free-spirited, who do not follow the rules of discipline. Even in the military, such power harassment should not be tolerated. I think I am somewhat mistaken.

　I often think of and treat people below me as if they are my property. I think I have always had this attitude toward my younger sisters and brothers since I was a child. I was a terrible older brother. I was always afraid of my father, who was an absolute being, and I was always obedient to him, so it was only natural that I forced my younger sister and brother to be subservient to me. I guess the senses I had then are still the basis of who I am today.

　Without such categorization, I cannot talk well with others. I think that relying on categorization is proof that I am not independent. I am afraid of conversations between flesh-and-blood human beings without titles. I long for such “human-to-human” discussions and relationship building. I think it would be a wonderful dream come true if we could build a connection that transcends age, gender, status, etc., in a realm that could be called a “bond.
　A relationship that is not influenced by existing categories. It may be something that cannot be achieved by one’s own efforts alone. In any case, nothing can begin unless I establish a sense of independence without being deceived by what I see. What should I do to become independent? Each person has his or her own history, upbringing, and circumstances. I would like to pull them all together and explore the path to independence.

　I’m not very good at meeting new people!