聖書研究会のお陰で聖書への理解が進むにつれ、私は神さまとの距離が縮まってきているように感じ始めていた。「神さまを信じられる」という自信みたいなものがついてきていたように思う。
　そんな時、私は「教会」に興味を持つようになってゆく。毎週日曜日に地域の教会で営まれている礼拝に非常に関心が湧いてきた。実際に教会へ出向いて、信徒たちとともに祈りを捧げることはどんな感じなのだろう。それは必要なことなのだろうか、等々の疑問も湧いてくる。高校時代には何度か地元の教会へ行ったことはあったが、聖書を真剣に研究し始め、私にとって教会はあの頃とは全く違った存在になっていた。

　そこで知り合いの牧師先生を通じてある教会を紹介してもらい、とりあえずその教会へ通わせてもらう事になった。ところがしばらく通って、私は少しガッカリしている自分に気づいていく。こんなものなのか……と。礼拝で共に祈りを捧げることは問題なかったし、毎週日曜日にしっかり祈るということは、週単位で生活にリズムを作っていった。翌日月曜日の心持ちが違っていったように思う。
　しかしその教会の教会員の方々との関係をうまく構築できなかった。私の中で、「クリスチャンとは、こうでなければいけない」という理想みたいなものが異常に高く、クリスチャンの方々は皆さんが聡明で、天使のような心の持ち主なのだと思い込んでいたところがある。今考えれば、そんなことが実際にあるはずもないのだが、私は自分の理想のクリスチャン像とあの方々を勝手に比べてしまい、正直、少し失望してしまっていた。本当に失礼なことをしてしまったと思っている。他人を見下すことができる私は、一体何様なのだろう。しかしそれが私の真実であり、１年余り通った後にちょうど牧師が交代したタイミングでその教会から離れていった。

　教会へ通うことを止めても、聖書研究会には本当に真剣に取り組んでいた。「今までこんなに一生懸命に勉強したことがあったっけ？」と思ったほど、レポートを書き始めると取り憑かれたように頑張った。本当に何かに取り憑かれていたのかもしれない。勉強に励む私は、確かに私らしくはなかった。
　聖書研究会を始めてから５年半ほどの月日が流れた昨年の３月。会のメンバーとして一緒に学んでいた高校時代の親友が海外へ転勤することになり、これを機に聖研は卒業・解散ということになる。非常に残念で心惜しくあったが、これも「時」なのかなと思い、会を閉じた。

　まさに卒業だったのだと思う。恩師の先生から精神的に卒業し、聖書研究会も卒業した。先生がいてくださったからこその、私の聖書との出会いだった。先生にはいくら感謝しても足りないだろう。この卒業を機に、先生に寄りかかりっきりだった私のキリスト教への道を、私は自分の足で歩み始めたのだと思う。
　聖研を解散して約１年半後、即ち私が教会から離れて３年半の時が流れた頃、私はあの教会の牧師先生に促されるがまま、教会へ戻っていく。今から半年ほど前の事になる。何となくではあるのだが、私は神さまとの関係を確かなもの出来てきたような感触を覚えていた。そして漠然と、「ああ、私は洗礼を受けるのだ」と他人事のように落ち着いてイメージするようになっていった。何かに取り憑かれているかの如くに。

　（その４）に続く

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Confession of Faith (Part 3)

　As my understanding of the Bible increased thanks to the Bible study group, I began to feel that I was getting closer to God. I think I was gaining a kind of confidence that I could trust God.
　At that time, I became interested in “church. I became very interested in the worship services held at local churches every Sunday. I wondered what it would be like to actually go to church and pray with the congregation. Is it necessary, etc.? I had been to a local church a few times in high school, but as I began to seriously study the Bible, church had become a completely different entity for me than it had been back then.

　I was introduced to a church through a pastor I knew, and I was allowed to attend that church for the time being. However, after attending for a while, I found myself a little disappointed. I wondered if this was how it was going to be. Praying together in worship was not a problem, and praying well every Sunday created a rhythm in my life on a weekly basis. I think I felt differently about the following Monday.
　However, I could not develop a good relationship with the members of that church. I had an abnormally high ideal of what a Christian should be like, and I assumed that all Christians were intelligent and had angelic hearts. Now that I think about it, there is no way that such a thing could actually be true, but I compared my ideal image of Christians with those people on my own, and to be honest, I was a little disappointed. I feel that I have been really disrespectful. Who am I to look down on others? But that was my truth, and after attending for a little over a year, I left that church just as the pastor changed.

　Even though I stopped going to church, I was still really serious about the Bible study group. I remember thinking, “Have I ever studied so hard before?” When I started writing reports, I worked so hard that I was obsessed. Maybe I really was obsessed with something. My studying hard was certainly not like me.
　Last March, about five and a half years after I started the Bible study group. One of my best friends from high school, who had studied with me as a member of the group, decided to move abroad for work, and with this, we decided to graduate and dissolve the group. It was very regrettable, but I thought that this was also “time” and closed the meeting.

　It was truly a graduation. I had graduated spiritually from my former teacher and also from the Bible study group. It was only because of my teacher that I was able to encounter the Bible. I will never be able to thank him enough. I think this graduation marked the beginning of my own steps on the path to Christianity, whereas I had always leaned on him.
　About a year and a half after the dissolution of Bible study group, that is, about three years after I left the church, I returned to the church, as urged by the new pastor of that church. This was about six months ago now. I had a vague feeling that I had developed a solid relationship with God. Vaguely, I began to imagine, “Oh, I am going to be baptized. It was as if I was obsessed by something.

　(Continued in Part 4)