今から約30年前、26～29歳くらいまでの2年半の間、カナダのトロントという街に住んでいた。トロントでの最初の住居は、カナダ人のご婦人が自分の家の使っていない2部屋を貸し出していて、その1室を借りた。大家と一緒に住むシェアハウスという感じ。
　しかしそこは結局半年足らずで引っ越した。隣の部屋を借りていたドイツとフランスのハーフのドイツ人女性と私が上手くやっていけず、嫌になったことが最大の理由だ。当番制で家の中の掃除を分担していたのだが、彼女は私の掃除の仕方が宜しくないと言うことで、いつもクレームを言ってきた。例えば、浴槽の表面を指先の腹でこすり上げて私に見せつけながら、「ほら、こんなに汚いでしょ」と文句を付けてくる。大家でもないのに。まるで嫁と姑がいがみ合う様子を描いた、よくあるお昼のドラマのようだった。私は彼女が大っ嫌いだった。

　少し人間関係に疲れていた私は、英語学校の友達が引っ越すタイミングとちょうど合ったこともあり、私を含めて日本人4名で一緒に住むことにした。しかしそれも結局上手くいかず、しばらくして引っ越すことに。
　トロントで３軒目の住居はいわゆるシェアハウス。一軒家を複数で借りていて、私の他はカナダ人が4名で住んでいた。途中オランダ人が入ってきて出ていったり、日本人が入ってきたりと入れ替えがあったが、まぁまぁ何とかやっていくことができていた。一番カナダらしい生活ができたのはこの家に住んでいた時期かもしれない。しかしその内に金銭的なトラブルが起きて、私が約束をあっさり反故にしてしまうリーダー格の住居人の一人に嫌気が差してしまい、また引っ越すことに。住む場所が落ち着かず、人間関係に疲れ切った私が最後に選んだのは、一人暮らしだった。

　移民権を取得して、カナダで生きていこうと決心していた当時の私にとっては、日々の生活の中で英語に触れられることは貴重な経験になる。つまりカナダ人と共に暮らす環境はかけがえがない。しかしそれを手放してでも、しかも収入が少ないのに敢えて家賃が高くなる一人暮らしのアパートを選んだことは、そのとき私が相当に疲弊していたことを表している。「もう引っ越したくない」と、呻いていたんだと思う。

　引っ越すことは大変な作業だ。それが異国の地でならば尚更のこと。２年半で４箇所に移り住めば、それだけで相当なエネルギーを使う。若かったからできただろうが、今ならば心が折れてしまうかもしれない。我ながらホントによく頑張ったと思う。
　私が頑固だから悪いのか、性格がひねくれているからか分からないが、とにかくカナダではそういう部分でも苦労した。カナダに心を開けなかったのかもしれない。英語の上達や仕事、スポンサー探しなど、もっと他の大切な事柄で頑張らなければならなかったのに、そこへたどり着く前の段階で問題を多く抱えてしまった。今考えれば勿体ないことをしたと思う部分もあるが、恐らくあれが私の精一杯だったのだと思う。
　思い出せば懐かしいことばかりだ。あの頃も必死に生きていたと思う。明日のことさえも不安で、どうしようもないような生活だった。今もあまり変わらないような気もするが……。

　引っ越しが嫌い

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Place to live

　About 30 years ago, I lived in the Canadian city of Toronto for two and a half years, from about age 26 to 29. My first residence in Toronto was rented by a Canadian lady who rented out two unused rooms in her house. It was like a shared house where I lived with the landlord.
　However, I ended up moving out of there in less than six months. The main reason was that I did not get along with the half-German woman who rented the room next door, and I got fed up with her. We shared the responsibility of cleaning the house, but she always complained that I did not do a good job of cleaning. For example, she would scrub the surface of the bathtub with her fingertips and show me how dirty it was. She was not my landlord. It was like a typical noon-time drama depicting a wife and mother-in-law squabbling over each other. I hated her.

　I was a little tired of relationships, so I decided to move in with four Japanese people including myself, just in time for my English school friends to move out. However, that didn’t work out in the end either, and I had to move out after a while.
　The third residence in Toronto was a so-called “share house. It was a house rented by several people, and there were 4 Canadians living there besides me. There were some Dutch people came and went and some Japanese people came and went, but I was able to get along with them. It was probably the time when I could live the most Canadian life in this house. However, eventually financial troubles arose and I got fed up with one of the residents who was the leader of the house, who easily reneged on his promises, and I had to move back. Uncomfortable with where I lived and exhausted by my relationships, my last choice was to live alone.

　At the time, I was determined to obtain immigrant status and live in Canada, and being exposed to English in my daily life was a valuable experience for me. In other words, the environment of living with Canadians is invaluable. However, the fact that I chose to live alone in an apartment with high rent despite my low income, even if I had to give it up, shows that I was quite exhausted at that time. I think I was moaning, “I don’t want to move anymore.

　Moving is hard work. Moving to four places in two and a half years takes a lot of energy. I was young when I did it, but I think I would have lost heart if I had done it now. I really think I did my best.
　I don’t know if it is because I am stubborn or my personality is twisted, but anyway, I had a hard time in Canada. Maybe I could not open my heart to Canada. I had to work hard on other more important matters such as improving my English, finding a job, finding a sponsor, etc., but I had many problems at the stage before I got there. Looking back now, there are parts of me that think it was a waste of time, but I think that was probably the best I could do.
　I miss those days when I think back on them. I think I was living desperately even back then. I was so anxious about even tomorrow that I felt like there was nothing I could do. I don’t think it’s much different now. ……

　I hate moving.